Will I Ever Get Myself Back Again?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yesterday, I got home from errands and grocery shopping with Joe and immediately retired to the recliner with my new book (My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult). Ten minutes later, at 6:25 p.m., I was OUT. Completely asleep. Only a call from my sis Beckie at 8:30 was enough to rouse me, at which point I managed to stay awake for a little bit and hang with Joe, eat some cereal, and talk with my bro on the phone. But then it was back to bed at the usual time, and that was it for the entire evening.
Tonight, I got home at around 5 p.m., lay on the bed complaining about weariness, and of course, fell asleep. Only when Joe tempted me back to life with a virgin margarita did I rouse enough to get off the bed, and only then because I was dying of thirst and a sweet/sour frozen drink sounded like a gift from the gods.

Tomorrow, I will be 7 months pregnant. This third trimester has only been going on for a week, but I already feel like I've been hit by a bulldozer every afternoon. I sit/lay every evening, thinking, "I should be working on a project/cleaning a portion of my home/cooking dinner for Joe/working on editing photos/making a scrapbook page/going for a walk... but all I can do right now is remain motionless and let this sleep overtake me...zzzzzzzz..."

Don't get me wrong: I truly have had a blessed pregnancy, and it is really fun to observe all these phases and changes I am going through. But honestly-- will I ever get ME back again? Passion, drive, creativity, energy, motivation, desire to DO something? People tell me that having a baby will just take more of this away from me, and I'm not sure what to expect. Do I just need to learn to let go of expectations? Not try to be more than my poor body will let me?
Or am I babying myself WAY too much, and need to get off my bum and get moving?

I feel like I only have a little more "free" time left, and I am getting sad that I might be "wasting" it... but honestly, the exhaustion that has been hitting every afternoon is compellingly powerful. Irresistible. Like a drug, it drains away ANY thought of activity or action. Sleep... blessed sleep..... must sleep....



  1. SLEEP! Sleep, sleep and sleep some more! You're exactly right that your free time is dwindling... free time to SLEEP! Perfect example is that it's 11pm and I'm just now considering heading in to bed happy that I have accomplished what I needed to tonight, knowing my girls are awake around 5:30am.

    And I don't know about other people, but for the first 5 months or so of having a newborn I still had little energy. I was happy to just sit around, watch tv and hold the baby (with my first at least!). Then my body started to feel like mine again, my energy started returning, the baby started sleeping more, and I got up and DID things again. Don't worry about losing that part of yourself, if anything, for me, I am MORE creative and MORE excited to do things in life now that I have kids!

    This is a LONG comment, I just feel so bad for you b/c I know pregnant exhaustion is so all consuming.

    A question... since we're both in St. Louis, would you like me to do a pregnant photo shoot of you at this amazing stage? I'm trying to build my portfolio still and would love test subjects! Maybe seeing how beautifully pregnant you are will help make the tough times easier! Just let me know!

    And go back to bed! :)

  2. Ummm, you better not be this boring on Friday. I'm taking time out of my ridiculously busy Friday schedule to come and visit. SO no naps, or I reserve the right to pelt you with NERF darts (aimed at feet and legs, of course). Just kidding!!!
    It's weird to undergo changes in our personalities- I have to get used to being a married man. Not that I've really changed, I guess, but the mindset with which I'm supposed to be and trying to live with is pretty different. It's no longer just about me. I can't think about me and me alone, because I have a wife whom every one of my decisions, in some way, affects.
    Same for you and Joe- now there's going to be a wonderful, beautiful, but tiresome and helpless little needy person around all the time. That changes your and Joe's mindsets.
    But I have no worries about you losing you. You've always been Emily, and always will be, even if "Emily" goes through a little tweaking.

  3. Ummmm, no, no you will not. There are even more fun surprises that will never be 'you' again :) But you'll learn more about yourself in a few months than you have the past decade. But...could I rouse you from your sleep for some city sight seeing? When you get some time, some energy, we should go shopping. Mel says you have a knack for finding great little shops. A jewelry store, in particular... :) There's lunch in it for ya if you'll be more tour guide!

  4. Sleep is such a wonderful thing and just go ahead and sleep when you need to. Your body is being creative right now in a very literal sense and so don't fret. You will only have more experiences and struggles to draw from in the future for all your creative projects and just making your life creative. You wont lose yourself (although it may feel like it for a good while), you'll just find a whole new part of yourself after the little one is in town. Then, it is really exciting when you decide your ready to revisit your old self and the two of you meet.

    Your creativity doesn't ever have to stop.

    Michelle Call (she was in 212 also) did a great post about some similar ideas and her link is on my blog.--it was a few days ago.

  5. PS. It is called "Self Preservation and it's Many Faces"

    PPS. I meant to write "you're ready to. . ." typo- oops:0) in the first comment.

  6. i slept all the time when i was pregnant the first time. and i wanted to with the second, just couldn't because of the first. it will pass, but then you'll be up all night nursing....
    andrew is about to turn four, and i'm still tired. i guess our bodies get used to it.

  7. I ran across your blog and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! You make things so funa and exciting, and you have such an eye for things....good luck with the pregnancy will be over soon enough. I was pregnant with my first one through the winter (born 02/25) glad that you're not sick for the holidays...i loved that part. :)
    just enjoy the sleep while you iwll be somewhat short-lived in a few months time. just like everyone else has told you...and you'll continue to hear for the rest of your pregnancy.
    My suggestion to you (only if you're not opposed) get an EPIDURL!!!! it just makes the special time of birthing so much more enjoyable and memorable. i just know that my mom only remembers some of when we were all born becasue she was so focused on pushing us out and dealing with the pain. me, on the other hand: i remember EVERYTHING....because i wasn't so focused on the pain and i sure enjoyed that little body being placed on my tummy right the way: i love the name you chose for your baby....noah is totally cute (perhaps that isn't what you're going for...but it is still cute!)

  8. p.s. you're a GREAT photographer....i would love you have the eye you have when it comes to snapping photo's.

  9. get all the sleep you can WHILE you can. take advantage. sleep will never be the same again once little Noah is here.

  10. during both of my pregnancies i felt exhausted. not sleep-deprived-but-i-can -push-through tired, but i-must-lay-down -now-or-i-will-pass-out EXHASUTED. i felt like i had way more energy and creativity post baby than during pregnancy. hang in there :)

  11. I've been super sleepy lately too. Is this an indication that it is just going to get worse before it gets better???!! I hope not because I have two trips planned this month.
    Hey, do you want to drive up to Kirksville for the Red Barn Festival this year??? I'm going to drive down. It's October 13th. I would love to see you!!
    Maybe Joe can drive so you can sleep in the car. :)


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