Let me start by saying: this post is both a love letter and a WhineFest...
Today I hitched a ride on the FAILBOAT.
Today I have learned the not-so-pretty truth that I am not very awesome when I try to do this Mama thing completely alone. Today I learned I simply don't have the ability to be a B.A.M. (that's "bad-ass mom" according to my November Mamas...) like I always assumed I would-- at least not when I'm doing it on my own.
Today I have learned how much I actually rely on my husband, my beloved, my Joe, to help me be the mom I aspire to be.
I mean, of COURSE I know he is a HUGE help. Of COURSE I know that he's my teammate. But... it took him leaving us for 48 hours for me to really see what I am WITH him, and what I become without him.
Today, Joe left at 4:00am to fly out to his sweet grandmother's funeral. It was the best possible reason for him to go. It was so important for him to be there. She was an incredible woman, and I am so grateful he is there to celebrate her remarkable life and legacy.
Sending him away for this was a no-brainer, and I truly thought, "It's only 48 hours. We're gonna be FINE over here! FINE!" I mean... I guess I'm pretty self-assured in life. I am usually pretty good at the things I try... (Truth is, if I know I'll be bad at something, like, say, water-skiing, I don't even try. Keeps the failing at a minimum!) And I've felt some Mama Mojo seeping back in as Lucy's temperament has settled a bit. I have begun to think, "Hey! I can DO this Mom-of-Two thing! Watch out, world! I'm BACK!" So, when the time came to send Joe off, I was all, "See ya, hon! Have fun! We're FINE!"...
The beginning of the end. Something about coming off of a long, late-night holiday (getting OUT of the 4th of July festivities proved the most tedious, and we didn't fall into bed until 12:30am), and then entering a full day with the knowledge that there'd be no relief pitcher coming at 5:30pm to give me a break... It just set the tone for the day today. So it became really hard to find our way out of pajamas. It became easy to let the TV do a lot of the babysitting. We were just TIRED, and there wasn't going to be a break really... so we dug into the day in Survival Mode. But even Survival Mode, which I've done before and made it work, kinda fell apart.
There was just so much frustration in my every attempt... in the changing of diapers... in the making of lunch. In the trying to keep Lucy asleep. In the "playtimes". I felt... stuck. Tired. Unable to make anything work well. I already blogged about the cookie attempt--- the one time I thought I had my crap together enough to do something FUN and EXTRA... And they burned. Totally burned.
And it's not like the first 10 hours of the day USUALLY have Joe around. They don't! He's at work every day, for Pete's sake. But something about the knowing he wasn't coming home just made the whole day harder. Even EATING fell apart more than usual. Wanna know what I managed to eat today, without his cute lunch he has been making me daily?
Breakfast: Reese Puff cereal/milk
Snack: (this was the most decent meal) cheese stick, beef stick, strawberries, graham cracker
Lunch: cold noodles, burned chocolate chip cookies, milk
Dinner: ???? Nothing yet...
Seriously. Bad news.
Naptimes came, and there was some peace... Noah went down great, Lucy slept in her crib for a 30-minute stretch, I rested, too... And even when Noah woke, Lucy slept on, and he and I had some lovely play time that DIDN'T feel forced or frustrating. We watched squirrels and talked about what we saw out my bedroom window and just hung out together...
But that was the eye of the storm, turns out. Because then Lucy woke up. SCREAMING. Had to eat rightnow/rightnow/rightnow!!!! And back on went the cartoons... It was about 6:00pm, and the end of my goodwill was beginning. Joe would've been home by now on a normal day.
And then Noah started bossing me around about his diaper: He had pooped in his diaper, but there was MORE poop, so change my diaper NOW! Change it NOW! Emergency!!
And though it was getting late, and I was a bit worn down, I still had a bit of calm left from that eye of the storm earlier, so I thought (oh, foolish woman), "He has MORE poop? PERFECT chance to practice some potty training! Perfect!"
Somehow, I even got him EXCITED to try. Don't ask me how--- that's always been half the battle, the pre-trying motivation. But somehow I got him pumped to come upstairs, take off his stinky diaper, and sit on the potty to try some more. I had all the right excited faces and voices to show him, all the old bribes we'd talked about got re-introduced... we were on a roll. Lucy even chilled out on the carpet and cooed while I worked with Noah.
But... within minutes, his enthusiasm faded. He was done. I was frustrated, but I let it go, and let him get his "I Tried" sticker. But he was walking with his legs squished together. A Potty Dance if ever I saw one. And I asked him, "Do you have to go pee pee?" And he said, "Yes! So I need a diaper right now!"
NO WAY, kid. NOT if your pee is THAT close to the exit. NO WAY. So BACK to the potty we went, and he was definitely NOT into it anymore, but come on!! He WAS THISCLOSE to peeing, so he HAD to cave in and do it in the potty, right?
35 minutes later, 35 minutes of trying EVERYTHING to get him to pee, including running faucets, putting his hand in warm water (haha! Like the old camp trick!! It was worth a shot, right?!?!?) that was a big NO. This kid has a urethera of STEEL. And my nerves were shot. I was so ANGRY. I kept it inside, reminding myself that any negative feedback from me would just delay this game longer, and I fake-cheerfully chirped, "Okay! Well at least you tried! Let's get your diaper on!" When really I was swearing/cursing/thinking murderous thoughts/crying inside... SO ANGRY.
And by this time, Lucy's goodwill was gone, and she was beginning a tirade.
We went back downstairs to finish his cartoon so I could cool down and try to get Lucy sleeping. His cartoon ended and suddenly I realized it was EIGHT O'CLOCK. How, how how had we gotten to EIGHT o CLOCK? Noah's bedtime! And I hadn't even PONDERED dinner. By this time, Lucy's sleep attempt was clearly failing. Noah was DONE with the day, and I had to find a way to feed him. We three headed into the kitchen and the total counterful of dishes slapped me existentially in the face. Lucy was in my arms, requiring both hands to keep her happy of course (one arm holding her, the other holding the binkie in her mouth) and she was still crying around the binkie. Noah was getting annoying in his 3-year-old way, putting toys underfoot, pestering me about mindless things, asking for junk food for dinner... and it all just collapsed. I plopped Lucy in her carseat with the binkie held in place with a swaddle blanket. She cried and cried. I kicked Noah's toys/boxes/crap out of my path. Stormed into the kitchen and hastily swiped some peanut butter and honey on bread, opened a pack of fruit snacks, broke up some fresh broccoli, and opened a yogurt tube... plopped his "dinner" on the table and cut him off when he whined he wanted to play more-- barked that it was dinner time and made him sit and eat.
Then I stormed back into the kitchen and began banging dishes around, emptying the dishwasher and feeling pissy and bad and like a failure... And my jeans cuff caught on the the bottom rack of the dishwasher and pulled the whole thing out and I kicked a plastic bowl across the kitchen floor and swore a little...And loading the dishwasher back up, I dumped water all over the floor when I loaded a pan that wasn't totally empty. Gross. I got the dishes managed, and got Noah to finish his dinner, and finally got Lucy to stop screaming (oh yes, she cried this entire time)... On the edge of a complete breakdown, I got them both upstairs and got Noah's shower turned on. Got him undressed. Got him into the shower. Then got Lucy calmed a bit and changed into pajamas. Went back into the bathroom to see I had not pulled the shower curtain closed and the whole floor was flooded with water. Of course. AWESOME. WHERE THE HELL IS JOE??? HE usually does bathtime!!! Waaaa!!!!
I slopped some towels onto the floor, got Noah out of the tub, all while holding a Lucy-on-the-edge-of-crying... brushed Noah's teeth (did a HORRIBLE job), and got him in pjs while I set Lucy down to cry again. Got her back up in my arms, led Noah to his room, and calmed Lucy enough to be able to read Noah a book and sing him some songs... say prayers...And by now, Lucy had worn her poor self down so much she was crashing into sleep in my arms. And all I wanted to to was GET OUT OF NOAH'S ROOM AND BAWL.
And I'm not super proud of the ME I had deteriorated into. In fact, it was an ugly ugly truth coming out: I cannot handle two kids with the grace I always thought I would be able to. At least, not alone.
I am not serene. I am not "roll with it"... I am not dexterous and multi-talented. At least, as a MOM, I am not these things. and it breaks my heart. I hate seeing how easily I fall into the "cope" and "survive" mode... How easily I get frustrated and just count down until I get a break. And that is the WhineFest.
The love letter is this--
When Joe is here, I am far closer. Not there. Not perfectly calm and capable. But better. When Joe is here, I can take steps back and re-center and dive back in for more. But until today, it's been easy to mostly only notice the way a husband adds to the mayhem--- always leaving food to harden on the dirty dishes and never seeing the aftermath when unloading the dishwasher... leaving me to REWASH the crappy dishes myself... Among other typical spousal nuisances-- (see the way this dish fiasco has scarred me today? I can't get off of it!)... But the pure truth is---
I need him. Specifically, he makes me a better mom.
And I HATE that I am on a one way trip on the FAILBOAT without him, but I LOVE that together, we end up doing a pretty great job. I love that he balances me out. That my strengths enhance his weaknesses, and his strengths cover my weaknesses. I love that he forgives me for being a touch dowdy after a particularly long day of parenting. I love that he sees my dark corners and still loves me.
I love the way he comes home from work and cannot WAIT to dive into home life and kid time... That he immediately gives me a break, and is so willing.
I love that he has undertaken his Food Project, helping ALL of us eat better and more frugally as of late.
I love his hugs. His compliments about what I do manage to get done in a day.
Ya know? I love HIM. And I miss him.
And I am NOT excited about tomorrow.
So.
There ya go. There ain't no B.A.M. here. I am deeply in awe of:
1. mamas with hubbies who travel, who have days and days without him to help
2. single mamas who almost NEVER get a break
3. mamas with more than two kids who still juggle it all successfully
4. my own mama
5. and my hubby, for helping me not completely fail.
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