Emily's Little World

(photo: my wall is telling me to feel JOY, while my piles of unfinished things and projects-in-progress threaten to topple, literally AND figuratively...)

*
ARGH! Tried to take a "week off" after all the upset... Postponed sessions, etc. etc. But....
Life has a way of pushing onward, and somehow, I don't get the break I was wanting ... Needing. Oh, I had a tiny hiatus from shooting, but.... the orders still came in. The books I still haven't finished need finishing. The email inquiries keep coming and demand answers. (Even when I gently ask for more time, they come back, relentlessly asking for more more MORE)...

And then there's the "taking it easy" around the house. Why let myself "take it easy", when all that really means is that I let things fall apart a bit for a while, knowing full well that when I'm done "taking it easy", the house will now be a wreck, and *I* will be the one to drag it back together? Why even try to "take a break"? It is all metaphorically shoved in that hall closet now, hiding, but as soon as I open the door onto my "regularly scheduled program", all that crap is going to fall on my head. HARD.

And so.... I am barrelling into the autumn season... with trips out of town and fully booked session spots and no time to do more then flail to the surface and grab a quick breath or two before sinking again....

and you know what? This makes me sad.

I am not this person. At least, I do not WANT to be.

I want:

* magically, there to be six days where I work 13 hours straight EACH DAY so that I can get CAUGHT UP and maybe even AHEAD, and get some of these marketing/fun ideas off the ground and a strong foundation built up so that after that six days, I can START FRESH and do it right and achieve more balance this time. Because even my best intentions are getting swallowed up in the ever-present backlog of past things still needing to get done.

* to know I will be able to slow down and enjoy my favorite season of the year... with Noah. With Joe. With friends and family. NOT with a bowl of pathetic chocolate chips and the glowy-eery screen of my computer at 1 am as I EDIT and EDIT and EDIT.

* to handmake some of the gift ideas swimming around in my head for this Christmas season.

* to begin digging out of the vast hole of personal photos I have created... to get some ORDER in my personal photo files and begin getting them in books.

* to have a date night with Joe more than once every two months.

* to have the time and energy to prepare more healthy foods. And get out and MOVE this ol' body. Such a catch 22..... To get the energy to begin to create MORE energy...

* to blog more about the little things again... instead of trying to "keep up with the Joneses" in some vague way...

* to sew. and practice the banjo. To give my poor, anemic other talents some time on the stage. I am NOT a photographer. Not, at least, as my primary self-LABEL. I am an ARTIST of LIFE, with a collection of many talents and passions, and I am happiest when I am dabbling here, and doodling there, and letting each whisper of creative inspiration take me to the next phase.... whether it be writing for a season, or singing for a time, etc. etc....My soul is crying out for more varied expression.

* to not have to worry about money at the level I do now...

* more babies, and to be, primarily, a wife and mother. To have my primary occupation be nurturing their education, inspiration, and growth.

Ah.... if wishes were fishes. Right?

Instead, I am here. This is my reality. And I need to own it, and figure out how to survive in spite of the less-than-ideal parts. So. I need to let go of the ideal of "perfect balance" and learn to MAKE moments happen. Sew for 15 minutes today. Edit personal photos for 30 minutes tomorrow. Give more wiggle room when I tell clients when to expect their finished products. Go for a walk EVEN WHEN THERE'S NO TIME.... because a psychiatrist told me last year that 30 minutes of brisk walking does as much or more for a person than a prescription of Prozac. Can't beat THAT, can you?? To make myself do the foundational things that are GOOD for me, in order to be better prepared to handle the tough stuff...

Ask for help. Somehow. I don't even know who could help or how... but if there is an opportunity that arises to accept help, I need to TAKE IT.

I need to have faith and practice patience. This, too, shall pass. It has to, right? Even if "this, too", ends up being about 15 years of young-motherhood/working-from-home-mom STRESS, eventually, that 15 years HAS to pass. Right?

And please don't mistake me-- I DO have such a marvelous little life. And I DO make time for joy and moments of spontaneous pleasure... and outings with Noah and snuggles with Joe... And I DO have an incredible circle of friends and family... I really do.

It is just that today-- THIS DAY-- is kicking my existential backside. I am letting the stress attack me, instead of smacking it back and saying, "down, boy!".....

So... I'll get back to fighting stance.

I just need those 6 days of uninterrupted work to get there.

*sigh*