This is Me....

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


A List of Life Right Now: The Good, the Bad, Etc....

* Above photo: She (and I!) loves the sling.... So she gets at least one nap a day in there, and I can do a few things with both my hands... Today, I am blogging. And she is smiling/breathing/dozing just inches away from my busy hands...

* She is loving the swaddle. As am I, of course. I made some cute flannel ones, and got some really cute flannel ones as gifts, but I have found myself deferring to two swaddle squares I cut for photo sessions out of t-shirt fabric... The extra stretch is AWESOME and I can get this little 6 lb. baby tighter than a caterpillar in a cocoon. Yay, swaddles!

* I love: her smell. her lips. her hair. when she falls asleep in my arms. her doped up post-eating face when I burp her. 

* I HATE: that she doesn't settle back to sleep easily after night nursings. HATE HATE HATE this. Hate when she cries as I am trying to do something with Noah. Hate breastfeeding for the moment (didn't hate it with Noah...)

* I feel incredibly blessed, but terribly guilty at the same time for Joe... and all he does to carry my slack and help me through this transition. He is so selfless and SO good at being a daddy AND a hubby... so of course, the gratitude is IMMENSE. But the guilt is nearly overpowering. And probably irrational... But I still yearn for a way to give back to him... to show him how much he means to me... And I don't know how right now. 

* Noah LOVES this baby girl. None of his acting out has been towards her, and in all totality, his "acting out" in general has been mild anyway... A bit more defiance, a bit more "un listening"..... But mostly, he is transitioning really well into this new version of life. His sleeping is as predictable as ever, thank you hallelujah!!

* There have been gifts and meals and treats pouring in, and I am deeply grateful. I am trying to keep a list, and I WILL send proper thanks... I promise. I'm just not sure when.... I feel so humbled by the abundance of love being sent our way!!
*  I am in pajamas most of the day, most days.... but I still try to make it a point to put on mascara and earrings. It's just who I am. Ha ha!

* I am THRILLED to be able to drink as much milk as I want again. Darn lactose being a sugar and therefore something to limit during gestational diabetes!

 * I have managed several naps. And I am deeply grateful for each one. And NOT taking them for granted. (Honestly, I should be napping now... Noah is asleep, this baby is asleep, it's grey and rainy.... Oops.)

* Though I am NOT ready to be back in the world full-time, and not brave enough to jaunt out for errands or fun stuff, I am beginning to feel restless. And restless = trapped. And the rainy weather compounds that feeling. I have started to feel.... lonely. Bored. Uncomfortable. Stuck. Hoping it's just the day, the week... and that it'll fade soon-- both with the improving weather, and with a more predictable baby. Who knows. 

* Baby girl isn't nursing very efficiently. And Betty is making milk, but not a ton... so Baby Girl is losing weight a bit. So I'm supplementing with formula. And I resent it. But also feel the massive temptation to just drop out altogether and let the bottle do the work. Limbo here. 

* When I DO attempt to get out, and it is a success, I feel like I won the end-of-season championship game. MVP, over here!!

* We took a family walk last evening, in between rains.... It felt WONDERFUL on many levels. Good for our souls. 

* My physical recovery is going really well. The first 7-10 days were kinda miserable, but almost overnight everything has improved a TON. I almost feel normal!!

* The baby girl loves the car and my "pretty music mix" .... (so far). It is a relief that that formula of car + soundtrack music seems to keep her happy on car rides. HUGE RELIEF. No one loves driving a screaming baby around town with no way to intervene short of pulling over to pacify/soothe/feed. 

* I'm missing my family that hasn't been able to come meet Lucy yet. Some will be here shortly--- Mother's Day is her baby blessing and we'll be so happy to see several loved ones then... And some will come in the next few months... But I miss the ones who we don't know the next time we'll see them... Part of that post-partum loneliness, I guess... 

* Photos are still happening daily... some days they feel like a raging success, and other days a MASSIVE "meh".... but altogether satisfying still, as a project. I hope to have more to share with you tomorrow. 

* And so.... This is me. Right now. Up. Down. Moody. Tired. Grateful. Content. Restless. 

So be it. This is life.


  1. I wish I could be there to talk to you in person, to see Lucy in person, to play with Noah in person, to just BE THERE.

    I understand the up-down moody feelings (not in the same way you do since I don't have two kids and all...) but Kirsti and I were JUST talking about those kinds of feelings today.

    We wouldn't be complex human beings and deeply feeling souls if we were happy all the time or if we could have a constant positive outlook on life. We just have to remember the little things and the temporary nature of current events.

    "This to shall pass" and "Things can only get better" and sayings like that.

    Love you!!

  2. Emily,

    Your little Lucy is beautiful! I am so glad that you two are doing well.

    I know you don't know me very well but I just wanted to say don't give up on the nursing/breastmilk,
    I experienced this with Grey. The inefficient nursing and weight loss. Granted he never learned how to nurse (severely tongue-tied until I think almost 2 months). I ended up exclusively pumping and was able to give exclusively breastmilk by bottle instead of formula for almost 8 months. It has been a lot of work and commitment but it is such a good feeling to know your are giving your baby the best!

    If you haven't already I would find a IBCLC (international board certified lactation consultant) to assist you and Lucy. I had to go through a mourning period to accept my inability to nurse, I pray you don't have to experience this. It is no good on top of the baby blues.

    I would suggest pumping after Lucy is done eating and feed her the pumped milk instead of formula...this will also increase your supply!

    I don't mean to overstep boundaries or give unsolicited advice. I just wanted you to know that you have support. And that I know it can be really hard, frustrating and lonely.

    Sending my love and prayers
    to...You, Lucy, Noah & Joe

  3. Ok, first of all, I hate breastfeeding. There is NOTHING wrong with formula! Callum never tasted formula, but that is not because I didn't think it was "good enough," it's just because I had too much milk. Formula babies are perfectly healthy! I don't for a SECOND believe that a baby HAS to be breastfed to be healthy. I believe that my sister's adopted little boy---who won't have the option of being breastfed---will be JUST as healthy as his peers! His mom not having milk is not going to make him start his life "behind." Lactation consultants can help with problems, but I found the most help in a book. I can lend it to you if you'd like. The problem with lactation consultants is that they're too extreme. I think pumping exclusively is insanity. You remember pumping: not fun, and not as efficient. You do whatever is best for YOU! I couldn't stop because of mastitis, etc., but I wish that I would have had the choice because it was making me so miserable in my early months when I also had PPD. Nothing wrong with making a personal choice!!! Off my soapbox.

    Also, Joe IS amazing!!! I know because I have a man a lot like him. And sometimes I feel guilt and think I am leaning on him too much but then I realize: it's not leaning. It's HIS JOB TOO!! I heard a girl in the ward once say that she felt bad for making her husband "babysit" their child twice in one week. Another girl responded "It's not babysitting when it's his own child. It's his job." I agree wholeheartedly. Your job right now is to heal and get back to yourself. Let your man help you do that by taking care of all of the other stuff that you don't literally HAVE to do!

    I'll try to pop by for a visit next week when this jewelry craziness calms down. Hating this rain too.


  4. I LOVE milk drunk! It is my favorite part of the newborn phase :)

    You, Noah & Lucy should head my way for a visit. It would be a nice little anxiety-free outing.

  5. aww! it's such a hard and wonderful time all at once. how can that be? i don't know but it is. those little walks and things do work wonders though, don't they? i am SOOO in love with the quilt you made Lucy! I can't believe her name is stitched in there!!!!! that is so neat! i've been totally intimidated to attempt this exact style of quilt but it's nice to know it can be done! maybe someday i'll attempt one. i'm so enjoying your gorgeous photos of your sweet baby! what a treasure you're giving her (and the rest of your family) by doing that! where do you get your gorgeous backdrops???? i love them to death. best of luck the next few weeks. i'm confident you'll find a new normal pretty soon. you're so amazing and talented, btw!!!!

  6. Adorable photo:) She is too sweet and I love her name!


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