Wednesday, April 27
A List of Life Right Now: The Good, the Bad, Etc....
* Above photo: She (and I!) loves the sling.... So she gets at least one nap a day in there, and I can do a few things with both my hands... Today, I am blogging. And she is smiling/breathing/dozing just inches away from my busy hands...
* She is loving the swaddle. As am I, of course. I made some cute flannel ones, and got some really cute flannel ones as gifts, but I have found myself deferring to two swaddle squares I cut for photo sessions out of t-shirt fabric... The extra stretch is AWESOME and I can get this little 6 lb. baby tighter than a caterpillar in a cocoon. Yay, swaddles!
* I love: her smell. her lips. her hair. when she falls asleep in my arms. her doped up post-eating face when I burp her.
* I HATE: that she doesn't settle back to sleep easily after night nursings. HATE HATE HATE this. Hate when she cries as I am trying to do something with Noah. Hate breastfeeding for the moment (didn't hate it with Noah...)
* I feel incredibly blessed, but terribly guilty at the same time for Joe... and all he does to carry my slack and help me through this transition. He is so selfless and SO good at being a daddy AND a hubby... so of course, the gratitude is IMMENSE. But the guilt is nearly overpowering. And probably irrational... But I still yearn for a way to give back to him... to show him how much he means to me... And I don't know how right now.
* Noah LOVES this baby girl. None of his acting out has been towards her, and in all totality, his "acting out" in general has been mild anyway... A bit more defiance, a bit more "un listening"..... But mostly, he is transitioning really well into this new version of life. His sleeping is as predictable as ever, thank you hallelujah!!
* There have been gifts and meals and treats pouring in, and I am deeply grateful. I am trying to keep a list, and I WILL send proper thanks... I promise. I'm just not sure when.... I feel so humbled by the abundance of love being sent our way!!
* I am in pajamas most of the day, most days.... but I still try to make it a point to put on mascara and earrings. It's just who I am. Ha ha!
* I am THRILLED to be able to drink as much milk as I want again. Darn lactose being a sugar and therefore something to limit during gestational diabetes!
* I have managed several naps. And I am deeply grateful for each one. And NOT taking them for granted. (Honestly, I should be napping now... Noah is asleep, this baby is asleep, it's grey and rainy.... Oops.)
* Though I am NOT ready to be back in the world full-time, and not brave enough to jaunt out for errands or fun stuff, I am beginning to feel restless. And restless = trapped. And the rainy weather compounds that feeling. I have started to feel.... lonely. Bored. Uncomfortable. Stuck. Hoping it's just the day, the week... and that it'll fade soon-- both with the improving weather, and with a more predictable baby. Who knows.
* Baby girl isn't nursing very efficiently. And Betty is making milk, but not a ton... so Baby Girl is losing weight a bit. So I'm supplementing with formula. And I resent it. But also feel the massive temptation to just drop out altogether and let the bottle do the work. Limbo here.
* When I DO attempt to get out, and it is a success, I feel like I won the end-of-season championship game. MVP, over here!!
* We took a family walk last evening, in between rains.... It felt WONDERFUL on many levels. Good for our souls.
* My physical recovery is going really well. The first 7-10 days were kinda miserable, but almost overnight everything has improved a TON. I almost feel normal!!
* The baby girl loves the car and my "pretty music mix" .... (so far). It is a relief that that formula of car + soundtrack music seems to keep her happy on car rides. HUGE RELIEF. No one loves driving a screaming baby around town with no way to intervene short of pulling over to pacify/soothe/feed.
* I'm missing my family that hasn't been able to come meet Lucy yet. Some will be here shortly--- Mother's Day is her baby blessing and we'll be so happy to see several loved ones then... And some will come in the next few months... But I miss the ones who we don't know the next time we'll see them... Part of that post-partum loneliness, I guess...
* Photos are still happening daily... some days they feel like a raging success, and other days a MASSIVE "meh".... but altogether satisfying still, as a project. I hope to have more to share with you tomorrow.
* And so.... This is me. Right now. Up. Down. Moody. Tired. Grateful. Content. Restless.
So be it. This is life.
Posted by Emily S. at 4:00 PM