Invoking Amber Ludlow

Amber was a photographer I looked up to when I first started the digital leg of my journey.... Someone I admired, followed on her blog, and even took an online class from in early 2007. She was one of the front runners of the digital photography moms-can-do-it-too-and-be-GREAT revolution. A style like Tara Whitney, some fresh Photoshop techniques, and a truly down-to-earth personality.

And one day, in October 2007, she disappeared.

At least, from the internet universe, she was GONE, baby, GONE.

No more blog posts.

No more Flickr photos.

No more.

And for a few months, I waited. People get busy. People get overwhelmed. She'd be back. Others always came back.

So I'd check her blog.

And again.

And again.

And nothing.

Gone.

Over the years, I've formed a kind of overzealous worry about her. Like, WHERE DID SHE GO? WHY? What if there was a terrible, life-changing tragedy in her life? What if her world had completely fallen apart?

And then, I began to wonder--- what if she just...... CHOSE to disappear?

To leave the internet?

To live her life away from the strange, teetering, false-true world of blog adoration, rabid fans, semi-snarky MWACS and ProWACS and misguided quests for validation and flighty, undulating relationships and false faces and temporary pride and wishes and yearning and asking for the world to read and look and love...

What if she CHOSE TO LEAVE?

And is, instead, living a happy, rich, REAL life without the call of the cyberuniverse of photography/art/mothering/opinionating that seeks to be seen/heard/understood?

I learned recently that she has, since 2007, had two more children added to her oldest two.

Clearly, she is living a REAL life, full of carpools, diapers, and FAMILY. Clearly, there is NO TRAGEDY. Her family, her love, her new babies.... She has filled 2007-2010 with REAL LIFE.

Maybe she has eased off photography. I could see how that might take a back seat to the full house she has now.

Maybe she burned out.

Maybe she stopped and saw that we photographers all shoot to be SEEN, and if we're not careful, we begin to reach out for too much from others, and stop understanding what we can offer ourselves. We begin craving validation, praise, accolades...

And we lose a bit of our soul.

And a life lived too much online is time not spent with the little ones in our REAL life. With the lovers we share the home with.

Today, Noah woke from his nap a little fussy... cranky from his drowsiness. He clung to me and wanted me to hold hold hold him. So I held him... curled into my chest, his blanket and lamby sandwiched between my heart and his. And he pleaded, "Hon-gry? HON-gry?" We moved into the kitchen, slowly, gently, with many a kiss from my lips to his hair, and we sat on the old farmhouse stool next to the bowl of clementines. And I started ever-so-slowly to peel... then thought I'd let him learn this experience for himself. So I'd peel a piece a bit, then let him finish. We'd smell the ripe, tart smell of the clementine flesh under the peel, and then we'd peel some more.. a team. Slow. Not hurried. Him still clinging to me in a full hug. It was slow, and tedious, but in the best possible way. And when the fruit was fully peeled, I showed him the "belly button" and we poked and pulled the clementine apart. Segmented it. Ate each piece one at a time.

And then....

We ate another one the exact same way.

And then again a third time.

I was fully present.

I was not thinking about emails. Blogs. Money. Fame. Success. Popularity.

I was experiencing a clementine and a hug with my little love.

And so....Sunday is the end of my Wordless Week. I finally get to pop back on Facebook. Twitter. Message boards. And yet..... I can't quite explain why I have yet to actually write something on any of those sites. My online "homes"...
Except....

Part of me is fascinated with Amber Ludlow.

Why did she leave?

How did she do it? TRULY sever all ties?

Is she happier?

Life richer?

More PRESENT?

What if....