Hey! I'm Emily... homebody, amateur philosopher, professional photographer, mama and wife. This is my little world-- a place for me to preserve the little snippets of my life that bring me joy, make me think, or show my creative leanings. I'm so happy you're here. If you get a minute, please introduce yourself in the comments. If you like what you see, you are invited to follow my blog through your RSS Reader. Just click the link at the bottom of the page to add me.
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Saturday, March 9

Seven Weeks: Anyone Else Fall Apart At This Point?

I write blog posts in my head. All the time. Sometimes ones that are (I like to think) pithy and deep and observant about the lovely, fleeting things of life. Sometimes just rants or life observations. Lately, I have been in-my-head-writing "reports" on how life has been going with a new baby and the end of winter and the two other kids around.

But they only make it past my thought-writing stage, and then... with the latest round of baby-soothing-holding-taking-up-two-arms, the latest OMG-we-have-mice crisis... the latest I-will-sit-and-do-nothing-useful-since-I-finally-have-a-moment decision....Well, those thought-out blog posts are gone. Past relevant, or more often just completely forgotten. I only have so many brain cells in use, and they have to be applied toward keeping the children fed and living. With about 10% of them reserved for keeping my work stuff from totally falling apart.

I'd type while I nurse, but that either means using my iPhone (oh that it the WORST when I want to really write and blurt and type...THE WORST.)... Or finagling this absurd system at my desktop where the desk just so conveniently does NOT fit with the Boppy, so I have to maneuver the keyboard at a teetery angle on top of a squishy boppy, try not to conk the baby's head, and keep the desk keyboard drawer from spontaneously sliding shut. It's a nightmare. Not worth it. (Though I'm doing it right now, because I am losing my mind today already, so what's a little war with the stupid keyboard and drawer gonna do to make it worse?)

So here I am.... tiny personal fall-aparts and crises and things-so-awful-it-becomes-hilarious happening over the last few weeks... mostly just me being a naturally emotional, but now-hormone-enhanced gal who needs to vent and let off the steam, but can't because of iPhone typing and keyboard drawer-shutting and baby-holding and mice-fighting. 

And I can't blog about it to self-soothe.... So my Crazy just increases a bit more each time I can't let it out. 

Ha. "Self-soothe". That fell out of my brain just now and I almost deleted it--- sounded so "babyish"--- but I stopped and realized-- that's exactly what writing does for me. Self-soothing. Like a binky or a thumb for a baby.... A blankie for a toddler... This blog-writing calms me. Settles me. Lets some of the hurt and unknowing and worry out... gets me back to center. 

And I'd journal it... but writing is even slower than my awful typing if you can believe it. And there is something to be said for those few comments that dear ones leave that are like little lifelines.... helping me get a few more inches I can't get to on my own. 

So I was gonna blog that Quinn is 7 weeks. And this was the same time when I came here to confess that Lucy was a colicky baby. And I went back and skimmed that old post and a few of the first comments... and it had me in tears. because while I don't think Quinn is COLICKY, he is definitely "high needs", as my friend Jaime put it about her own babies. And he's pretty predictable... we can "fix" the problem pretty easily when he's crying. But the fact is, he still cries. A lot more than I suspect many babies do. Tender mercy: he also sleeps really well at night. And also in the day as long as he's being held.Thank heaven for not being completely sleep-deprived!

But the fact is.... this is hard. And today, the seven-week itch must be hitting, because this is when I remember hitting a really rough personal spot with Lucy, and today has just been CRAP for me emotionally. 

So now... with the juggling of the keyboard and the baby's head and I'm kinda a basket case anyway with no cohesive conclusions.... guess it's best to just stop this ridiculous attempt at blogging today. If anyone is still reading, you're probably like SUPER lost by now, because I don't think I have made any kind of sense throughout, so let me just summarize in bullet points:

  • Quinn is seven weeks old
  • Quinn is fussy and needy
  • I have had a crappy morning so far because of this
  • I don't get the luxury of blog-venting about any of it because Quinn is fussy and needy
  • Catch 22
  • I might be losing my mind
  • I *think* I'll get it back. Probably in another 2 months.
  • Time to sign off and go cry. At least I can cry with my hands full. 

Love, 

Me

P.S. Thanks but no thanks on asking me about post-partum depression. If you know me, you know what the deal is there. If you know me but don't remember what the deal is, you can go back and read some of it with the Lucy Era (April-October 2011). If you don't know me, trust me, it's been/being addressed. Sadly, most of this crazy-talking nonsense is pure Emily. With or without hormones.

10 comments:

  1. I totally get the self soothing thing. And I write blog posts in my head too. But fewer and fewer of them actually make it into cyber space. The older my kids get, the more privacy I feel that they need and therefore the less I feel I should write. And since my life revolves around them... my life is them... what do I write about? My options are becoming more and more limited. So I find myself reading other blogs more and posting less (at least less personal stuff) on mine.

    p.s... I feel la bit like a creeper for following your blog for so long. I don't know you. You don't know me. When I first started following your blog I was new to blogging and a total copy cat. I still feel silly about that.

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  2. Sorry today is so crappy. You know it will get better, but that doesn't help in the middle of it. Just know you have loved ones pulling for you and loving you. You'll make it...

    Take care, sis...

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  3. Sorry your are dealing with all this. Hang in there. You know it gets better, someday.

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  4. Oh, Em...You are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Taking care of little ones who can't talk is *super* stressful... I have thought before that a "good day" is one that I don't hear any crying, but I know that that is not realistic. Say prayers, read scriptures, especially while nursing... Be content to just be able to figure things out at this point. Give yourself times to take a hot bubble bath and relax, or have a cup of choffy. Delight in small things, which I know you do. This, too, shall pass. You are a strong woman who can handle this... And if all else fails, ask Joe for a blessing!

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  5. I could have written that exact post at 7 weeks with Max. Every bit of it (minus the other kids and mice fighting of course but I could add in the holidays and trying to appease family while still holding it all together). I called Max "high maintenance" and although predictable and a good sleeper like your Quinn he NEVER would let us put him down. At about 7 weeks I had a melt down - what would he do in daycare, what am I doing wrong and why are all other babies happier than mine. All I can say is this too shall pass! I fretted over it all and none of it was worth it. If I could go back and tell my crazy self to just chill I would! You're doing great! Press on! Spring is almost here! You are an amazing mother and frankly I read your blog because of all the awesome ideas you have and the sweet things you do with your kids. You inspire me - even your rant posts as I always see a lot of me in them! :)

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  6. I was in your spot with Lucy. I was asked/told about PPD. I told everyone NO! I've been there! This isn't the same thing! Since you're nursing, if you haven't thought about it, check what YOU are eating. I really think if I had cut out dairy, my son and I would have had a much easier first few months. Hang in there! And most certainly do what I never did -- find time for YOU. (((hugs)))

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  7. Totally understand! Hang in there! You can do this! xxx

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  8. My dear, vent away!!! I have become firmly convinced over the years that just like everyone's pregnancy can be dramatically different (my mom told me she felt BETTER pregnant than otherwise...WHAT?!), everyone's labor and delivery can be dramatically different (and it's not a matter of pain tolerance...some people just do not have painful labors!!!!!), everyone's children can really, truly be different.

    The people that make infancy look easy are a) lying through their teeth so that they can believe themselves and hold on to a shred of hope that really, truly, it's not that bad or b) have a completely different kind of baby. Both of ours were "high maintenace" and sort of colicky...actually really colicky. I kept on thinking that the second time around would be easier because after all, I know what I'm doing, right? And the second would inevitably be easier than the first...LIES! :)

    So give yourself a free pass to lose your mind, be frustrated, and indulge yourself. Whether it's a little choffee or a treat or a fun fabric...do it. You will look back on these days and know that you survived and you'll remember them more fondly than you feel about them now. You know that--we all do, but it's inevitably difficult to see past the incredible frustration while you're IN it.

    Know that you are not alone...and that some people DO have easy kids, but some do have criers and fuss-ers and needy kiddos...and that this, too, shall pass. Hopefully sooner than later!

    Oh, and I LOATHE typing on my iphone. LOATHE it. Amen, sister.

    And mice...remind me to tell you the story of our mice and how I managed to catch one while Scott was gone traveling, and I had to scoop up the dead body in the dark of night (with blood spatters...I kid you not) by myself so that the kids did not wake to the carnage. Ewwwwwww. Oh wait, I already told you. : )

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  9. Hi Em! Oh friend I feel you. I totally hit that low spot around 7 weeks with Hays. Just know that its sooo normal, that you are doing great, and that it will pass. I know you know that. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Try and get some rest. Treat yourself to something comforting. Watch something that will make you laugh.

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  10. You make perfect sense! Your feelings are legit... and they're real. They're real for a lot of us post partum mommies. I gave birth to my 4th baby last July {my older kids are 6yrs, 5yrs, 2yrs}. It was the HARDEST transition that I had been through and I was SO hard on myself... and mean to myself. I expected too much from myself. After many tears {from me & my children}, I just had to tell myself that it was ok to take this time to 'just' keep my head above water. Ad trust me, my head was just barely above that water! Our house was a mess, garbage overflowed at times, dishes in the sink, older kids watched too much tv and played too many games on the Kindles. I had to remind myself that 'this too shall pass'... and it did. Youngest is now 8 months old and I'm now steadily treading water, though we still have our drowning moments. LOL! I'm longing for the days that I'm doing the back float, with my sunglasses on and maybe a fruity drink in my hand. But, for now, this is my life and I'm ok with it. I don't need to 'have it all together', and neither do you. What mom really does- right?! HUGS!!!!

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