2006: Remember before kids came along, how if you came home from work and just needed a nap, you could take one?
(Gosh, I love naps.)
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2007: An afternoon at Forest Park at the Boathouse with my family... (Top left) My cute mom and dad. (Top right) three of my 5 sisters with adjunct-sibling Kyle, paddling a rental boat. (Bottom) three of my sisters and I (with a bump-appearance by Noah).
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2008: A lazy August afternoon on the front lawn of the Mason Lodge. Noah, age 9 months, myself sans makeup, and some snacktime and relaxation.
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2009: An unexpected and not-really-fun trip to Arizona 3 years ago on this week in August... I blogged about it a bit, but don't really want to dwell on the sad stuff today. The photos from this trip that make me smile are these: 1&2. Airports. No matter how lame a long day of travel can be, there is something adventurous and romantic about a new airport. Can anyone name these two? Hint: they are neither AZ or MO airports. They are my layover ones. 3. In the course of my whirlwind trip, a dear long-distance friend took a trip of her own to meet me and bring me cupcakes. It was one of the brightest spots in that week.
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2010: Just a couple of everyday images... Noah and Mai... and the Family Rule Board my friend Andi helped me make that summer. I still love the colors and the messages. It hangs proudly in my entryway now.
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2011: A trio of favorites from last summer that accompanied a personal blog post HERE about the ordinariness of my days, and how special they really are. I need to reread and reremind myself of these things. 
(Noah's photo, on the left, really makes me smile, because I know he is on the edge of cracking up, just by looking at it. And man, Lucy-- you would never know that you were a beast all that summer from this photo! I love your smile!)
(Noah's photo, on the left, really makes me smile, because I know he is on the edge of cracking up, just by looking at it. And man, Lucy-- you would never know that you were a beast all that summer from this photo! I love your smile!)
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Today I am physically feeling better, which helps me mentally feel better... So after making three batches of frosting at breakfast time (long story, will tell more later), and realizing that this really is the last official day of summer for us because of Noah's school starting on Monday, I decided we needed to Carpe Diem. SIEZE THE DAY. So we packed up and headed to the City Garden to play in the water.
Today, as I trailed Lucy's waggling, crawling, swimsuit-clad bum around the ground jets, keeping one eye on Noah running the length of the splash area and back, I was able to immerse myself in the moment and remind myself that this, THIS, is exactly what I want right now. My two little ones, another little one on the way (becoming more obvious as my belly grows)... A morning to go and do something marvelous that fulfills all of us...The sounds of their delight, the warmth of Lucy's hand in mine as I help her walk from one place to another... the feel of my son's wet head under a towel as I dry him off at the end of playtime...
THIS is exactly what I want. So much so, that I truly am not sure how I'll manage when they are no longer little. I am not sure I WANT older kids. (Okay, I know I will want them... but bear with me on this thought...) Whenever I dreamed of being a mama, THIS was it-- the constant and ever-present need of little ones, their eyes lighting up at new things, the fun of outings and music and dancing and storytime... Homemade play-doh and sprinklers and first drawings. Whatever will I do when they no longer NEED me like this? When their daddy and I are not the center of their very small universe? When they learn to argue back and debate and push? When they prefer their friends to us?
And yet, somehow, I know, though I push against the thought with great resistance, that even then-- in the midst of their teenage debates with me-- I'll be amazed at them and marvel at the way they are able to find their individuality, and I will somehow love even THAT moment... And will manage to CARPE DIEM in new ways for that era.
I'm just deeply grateful for the NOW. That that time is not here yet. That I have a few more years of THIS. The little ones. The kind of mothering I feel I was born to do.
And I have to have faith that that other kind of mothering-- the kind that takes far more energy, patience and grace than I think I have today-- will be taught to me a step at a time as they grow, and when the time comes, I'll be ready. And still grateful. And still completely in love with all of it.
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Luckily for us, the emotional mamas...the changes come slowly. They come in baby steps. We don't go from attached on the hip to staying out 'till midnight in one leap -- it's babysteps along the way, thankfully. However, it's all in the kid and all in the raising and thankfully -- you will hardly notice. Enjoy small hands and gleeful smiles and you'll know you made the most of it.
ReplyDeleteThat was ramble-y, wasn't it? :)
What a beautiful Post Emily, it brought tears to my eyes, as I remember feeling the exact same way, at every stage.... and here I am, now with a teenager who can sometimes be ugly and nasty and not at all the child I have raised (and making me want to "cash in" my "mommyhood" status); but then, just as quickly he will turn around and show me what a magnificent, amazing, smart, compassionate, loving, vulnerable young man (and my sweet baby boy) he can be... and he still needs me - in different ways than when he was little, but he still needs me; he still looks to me for guidence and seeks my advice (I feel very blessed that this is the case); he still (much to my amazement) likes to cuddle, get & give hugs & kisses, and be tucked in at night... underneath this wonderful, exasperating, challenging, amazing, and blossoming young man are still hints of "my little boy"... and jsut as when he was little, when he is not making me pull my hair out, he is finding ways to make me smile (something tells me that that never changes - so we can both - at our different stages of the journey - hold on to that).
ReplyDeleteLove you, Ems
Oh, and I think that the Airport on the right is O'hare - Not sure about the one one left, but sure do like the picture that Candy Kiosk looks amazing!
ReplyDeleteJust do what we did and keep on having em! ;-) We have 3 in high school this year and 3 in preschool with a couple in the middle and another one on the way. Full spectrum of ages and sometimes I feel like my teenagers need me even MORE than the little ones, even if they don't actually *want* me all the time.
ReplyDeleteOkay, the one with all the flags is definitely ATLANTA!!! I have that same picture from when we had a layover this summer going to/from Costa Rica!!! I think the candy one might be VEGAS???
ReplyDeleteYou write so well! I've had such a hard time lately when it comes to putting my thoughts into words. Bravo to you for being able to express yourself!
ReplyDeleteAndrea, yep! O'Hare back when they were still bidding for the Olympics! Sorry, Tamara-- it must look like GA, but it's not! :)
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