Tomorrow Begins a New Week...

There ya go... Made it happen as I mentioned in the last post. Happy Halloween, a month late. Blah. (But how cute are my boys?!)

Tomorrow begins a new week, and I am, frankly, dreading it. 

It's my last week of shooting before I take some time off for the holidays. And it's a doozy for shooting. I have three sessions. I can't complain, really--- it is a HUGE blessing that these sessions weren't on the calendar a couple of weeks ago, when all the crap hit the fan. And while I am FAR from totally recovered, I am much more able to work now than I was two weeks ago. So it all worked out pretty well to have these sessions now-- saturated though the week will be. 

And it's not really the sessions alone I am dreading.... It's the rest of everything else. (Broad enough for ya?)... It's the feeling in myself that I have to start finding a way to pick up the pieces from the mostly shattered month of November. Piles of clutter than have gathered in my convalescence... Tasks on a to-do-list that never seemed to stop growing, even as I tried to take time off. I have to pretend I am well enough to get ON with it, already... and honestly.... I am NOT well enough. 

Last week I decided that taking a week to heal was good and all, but since the pain hadn't gone, it was time to buck up and figure out how to live in SPITE of the pain. No doctors were calling with answers, no cures were presenting themselves to me... so, hopeful this would gradually get better, I decided to get back to work. 

And luckily there was a holiday thrown in there, because for Wed., Thurs., Fri., Sat. and today, I've been able to keep my feet up for a good chunk of time, only letting them drop to the ground for a few hours each day to get things accomplished. I managed to get SOME work done, even with the holiday and with the "feet up" need. 

But now... the thing is, the pain ISN'T getting better.... the doctors STILL aren't calling... and there isn't a lessening of the severity of the pain. I got ONE day of blissful reprieve, last Saturday, but since then, it has been totally debilitating, daily. Hourly. And after bucking up and trying to smile through it last week, the thought of "faking it" for another week... a BUSIER week, makes me want to give up and cry. 

The pain thing is so interesting... It's not bad enough to deserve a real BREAK.... But it is not light enough to get though without significant alterations to my routine. It's not bad enough that I feel I have permission to keep complaining.... but it's not light enough that I can move without displaying obvious discomfort. The truth is, though this isn't literally crippling, it IS affecting my quality of life in a pretty major way. If I let my feet drop to the ground, either when walking or when sitting with them hanging down, then pain gets so intense that I am constantly moving to find some kind of relief. I cannot stand for long amounts of time--- I have to shuffle from one foot to the other to give each foot a micro-break. Having Noah on my lap is excruciating--- the pressure that builds up from him sitting on my legs is barely tolerable.... Yet I cannot cease our sweet routine of rocking him and singing to him before bed and naps... So I endure. 

It becomes a huge sacrifice of comfort to work at my computer, editing. I cannot edit with my feet up in a comfortable way, and editing with my feet down becomes a practice in gritting my teeth and trying to make myself stay for just ONE more pic..... 

Sewing hurts, too. Which kills my heart. :(

I just.....

Don't know how I'm gonna do this if this is what life is gonna look like for the rest of pregnancy, or whatever.

No one has answers.

No one has healing solutions. 

I take any foot rub I can get. I use heating pads for temporary comfort. I wrap my feet in ace bandages the rest of the time... I am on a strict routine of Tylenol so I can cope. 

This is life, now. 

And this coming week makes me want to cry. 

Yikes. 

I am complaining again. 

I am so so sorry. I don't know how to BE this person, and keep the usual me around. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I take things minute by minute, I guess.... And I CAN fake it, sometimes. So if you see me, and I seem pretty cheerful and put together..... I'm probably still limping. And trying to be cheerful for a minute. 

Ugh. 

Gotta stop writing, 'cause this is annoying ME. And I have to live with myself. 

For anyone who wants to help me figure this medical mystery out, here are my current symptoms:

achy joints, specifically ankles, wrists, lumbar region of back

swelling in joints

heavy pressure and pain when feet are not elevated

pain level--- at its worst it is a 7 or so... When feet are up, I can be at a 3-4

What the docs seem to have ruled out, either by examination or blood test:

Lupus

Rheumatoid arthritis

Other autoimmune disorders

Sepsis/infection stemming from breast abscess

Parvo

Mono

Flu

What I cannot take, being pregnant:

Ibuprofen

Steroids

Lots of other things

So. Someone go tell me why I hurt, please... And better yet, how to fix it. :(

I'll try to be perkier soon.