Full-Term.

As of this past Sunday, I am 37 weeks pregnant. Babycenter tells me that means I am FULL-TERM. Baby could come any day and be considered totally normal-sized, ready, fully baked. 

I am, however, NOT ready. So, please, baby boy.... take all of the rest of these 20 days. I can wait. 

Some of my terrifying To-Do List before baby comes: 

Baby-Related

* make room in Lucy's closet for baby things

* buy drawer tower for baby

* put away train table in our room

* prepare corner for baby's pack n play

* buy a boy changing table cover

re-cover glider cushion?

* wash Noah baby clothes, remove a few yellow stains a la this pin

* hang art/mobile near changing table/baby's corner?

* dust off, clean, prep breast pump, put next to armchair in our room

* Make baby quilt!!

* make secondary cozy quilt?

* Buy: newborn socks, newborn plain white onesies, 0-3mo. plain white onesies

* Buy: NB and size 1 diapers

* treat myself to an official Moby wrap?

* Get fabric for carseat tent

* make this carseat blanket?

* get minivan (ha. big one here!!)

* get high-backed booster for Noah

* new pumpkin seat for baby?

* borrow swing for baby

* register at hospital!

Non-Baby Related

* Make gifts for friend exchange

* make "favorite things" for online swap

* finish felt robot for Noah

* baby gift for friend

* blog birdseed ornaments

* blog cupcake article

* blog story quilt

* haircut/color?

* pedicure?

* Noah haircut

* find some new church pants for Noah

* WIC appt. 

* finish and pay SALES TAX, ack. 

* Goodwill dropoff

Oh people. My mind spins with things still left to do, and honestly, there is only  TWENTY DAYS. 

Approximately. 

Noah was 4 days early. Lucy was induced one day late-- my doc wouldn't let me go later because of the gestational diabetes... Which tells me that I need to expect this little one to be here no later than January 21 or 22, even if he doesn't come on his own. 

And that to-do list is looooooong. 

And doesn't even list the things I REALLY want to do this last 20 days:

1. go on a few dates with just Noah--- let him choose the conversation topics

2. Spend a few afternoons with just Lucy-- staring into her eyes and delighting in her new words and countless expressions. 

3. have a sleepover with Noah and flashlights and late bedtime.

4. try to get Lucy to fall asleep in my arms one more time as my baby.

5. take a nap daily and relish in the predictability and length of it. 

6. Sleep in every morning and relish in the decadence of it. 

7. Make out with Joe while I still want to. 

8. wear fabulously bold maternity clothes and go all out with accessories because I'm SUPPOSED to be this huge. 

9. Make cute, crafty, nesty things for my baby-to-be

10. Sit in an empty house in the incredible comfy glider rocker with a soft blanket and a novel and gaze out the window until I doze off...

11. take my kids to the Magic House. Just two kids. Easy.

12. Sit back at breakfast every morning with my choffy and let my two kids feed themselves as they always do. Easy. But take note of how easy it is.

13. Let Joe give me footrubs nightly because I'm so big and puffy. 

14. Get a massage every other day and take a little too long to make my way back home because Joe has thing handled at home. 

15. Go to bed every night at 11 pm because I know I'll mostly get 8 hours of sleep that way. 

You know--- the things that will be desperately, achingly missed when life flips the Newborn-in-the-House switch. 

And I am so enchanted by my kids... So in love with the balance we four have these days. Joe's been home all this week between holidays and we all just move in sync and with an easy rhythm. Everyone has someone to love on them at any given time. The give and take has been perfectly balanced. 

That'll change. Of course. 

And I am reminding myself that the newborn thing IS hard, but that it is fleeting. When reviewing all my random snapped cell phone photos of Lucy's first two months, the majority of them are her swaddled, in my sling, in my arms. She was in my arms for two months straight. At the time, it felt a little like prison. But reviewing it, what a sweet excuse to just keep slowing down and letting go...

I want to remember that when I am frustrated that my baby will only sleep in my arms (trying not to hope for an easy baby. That would just jinx it, right?!). I want to remember that it was only two months, and that a swaddled, sleeping, close baby is one of the most tender things in the WORLD, and other things can wait. 

And sleep will come back. It always does. And is more appreciated than ever when it comes back. Sleep and hot showers--- more precious than gold to a new mama. 

And oh please, Noah and Lucy--- forgive me these next few months. I will miss "us" desperately, but please be patient as we all figure out how to create a new rhythm and routine with the little one included. Lucy, you especially--- forgive me. You are the light of my life, and you are in for a shock, and I am so so sorry. I ache for what you'll be feeling. The frustration, confusion, jealousy, anger. You are my sweetheart and I want to cuddle you forever. But this baby will need me, too. I am so sorry I can't help you understand any better... but you're so young. I promise to hug you as often and as long as you'll let me, and to take you into your room without baby in tow for time where it is just you and me, and you don't feel so confused. I promise to try to keep you laughing as much as I can.

And Noah. You are so EXCITED. It takes the edge off of my worry and sadness for  Lucy. I am in love with your plans and your ideas for how you'll take care of your brother. I am so happy you want him here and are counting down. But you'll also have several moments of frustration when  I simply cannot be for you what I have been for you these past several months. I will be asking so much of you, and I am so sorry you have that burden as the eldest. I'll try to remember to just laugh with you and let you play and let you be messy sometimes. I'll try to get that baby out of my arms sometimes so I can just take you into them like you're still my baby, and we can have whispered pow wows about life-- just you and me.

Full-term, folks. This is it. Countdown and go time. Work to be done, but also moments to savor--- Now more than ever, I need to be mindful of the present and to really SEE when something marvelous is happening. Because the world is about to tip, and I don't know when I'll get equilibrium back. 

And then it will just be about enjoying the newness and mayhem and tiny fingers and toes and allowing others to help me out and just being okay with letting go of the illusion of control for awhile. 

And both states of being are okay.

Happy New Year! This is my 2013 mindset... all that mess above... And it's all good. 

 

(Notice a significant lack of maternity photos this year? I never really needed any, after the big projects of Lucy's pregnancy. I am a-okay with only taking time today [yes, just this very afternoon. Fresh photos.] to grab a few shots. This is the most "me" I can imagine capturing for this pregnancy--- hair in braids in bandanna, comfy dress and leggings, big nose, goofy socks. This is just ME. Thank you Joe, for helping out, both as the shutter button pusher and the stand-in model. You're hot.)