Years ago, when I was reading a lot of S.A.R.K. books (I still love that crazy gal!), I came across an exercise she talked about frequently doing in her journals called "I Want". Basically, you sit with blank paper and pen (or colorful markers if you wanna be like SARK), and just open up your heart and imagination and let yourself scribble down what you WANT... Anything from immediate needs like "a snack" or "a hug" to wild imaginings like "an apartment in Rome" or "gossamer wings". You just let go and write. I love this exercise and I've done several of these lists of my own over the years, including more than a few here on the blog. I will always write these lists, I suspect. They are such a good place to center your heart, to check in with yourself, to dream a little, and to be a kid again. 

Well, the other day I was taking my daily walk, and I was feeling all kinds of feelings, and they were generally wistful and melancholy, and I was letting the walk absorb these waves of feelings... breathing deeply and looking for signs of autumn color... when I saw a group of boys ride by me on their bikes, caught up in the beautiful weekend morning sunshine. And a thought came to me so sharply: I am sad that my kids never became bike riders-- not in the way these boys were...riding bikes in a gang and having the ultimate freedom to roam neighborhoods and fly down hills. And this one distinct thought, a palpable expression of my sadness, became the first item on a new sort of list. Instead of a whole stack of "I Want"s.... I pulled out my phone and began a list of "I'm Sad That..."

Maybe it's not the same kind of healthy exercise that the "I Want" list is... But maybe it kind of is? Either way, it became a tender catharsis of the feelings that had been building up all morning, and it felt good and right to let them live on "paper"... to take them out and examine them a little bit in the light of day. The more I walked, and let myself feel, the more of these little thoughts would drift in and I'd add them to my list. It wasn't a deluge of bitter thoughts... just one thought here, then a few minutes later another.... Just little hurts that rose up as I was already feeling raw and open. Ultimately, I ran out of items to add, and I ended my walk by listening to a gorgeous song my friend Micah sent me the day before, Brandi Carlile's "This Time Tomorrow (In The Canyon Haze)". I'd never heard it before, and it was perfect--finally breaking open that buildup of moodiness in me-- and I cried as I stood by my parked car. A good cry. A cleansing wave. 

And then my car wouldn't start and real life crowded back in, and that was that. Isn't that just like life? Ha.

Anyway... I don't know if it's too personal to actually post my list, but it's my blogjournal, so I'm gonna do what I want. Only 5 people are reading this, anyway, and you are all people I love, and I know you know me well... We've probably talked about a few of these in person anyway!

So it's cool. Here we go.

I’m sad that:

• My kids don’t ride bikes
• I don’t have a big lovely front porch to put chairs on and decorate for seasons and sit on in the evenings
• We can’t afford a new car
• Joe is trying so hard to repair the dryer and dishwasher and they are still not quite there
• Joe is going out of town twice this month
• Friendships fade
• Noah is aging out of trick or treating 
• I don’t play the banjo anymore
• I can’t have a carb free-for-all anymore
• The pumpkin patch costs so much to visit!!
• We can’t keep things close forever
• I left my wireless earbuds at home today
• The sun is already setting too soon
• Instagram took the sound off of some of my reels
• They keep growing up
• Quinn’s betta fish kept dying
• I’m crabby when I’m hot
• Cross country didn’t “take” for Noah
• I never put Lucy in dance class or something like it
• I don’t think my kids have a “bestie” or tribe
• I have so much “stuff”
• I’m not good at gardening/yard work
  

See? Nothing earth-shattering.... Just little wishes and teeny regrets. Honestly, it's kind of nice to know that there's not anything really devastating on there. It speaks to a life that is mostly so very blessed. It's okay. And I'm okay. 

*

The Story in the Details Today

It’s a slow, unhurried Wednesday morning, with nothing on the agenda. The sun is shining and spring is definitely beginning to peek its head around the corner. Larkin and I are tucked together on the couch under the same blanket. She is drinking chocolate milk and eating small powdered donuts while she watches “Pumpkin George”, one of her top cartoon picks (Curious George Boo Fest). I have a kindle book and some cross stitching on hand, and it’s completely okay if we stay right here for awhile.

Sitting here, I notice how Noah is slowly taking over the top of our TV cabinet with his various treasures— Legos and Chicago souvenirs from last week’s trip.

I am lightly amused by the story of our family life this armoire-top is telling today. Here is what I see:

1. The “real” decor— a beautiful and cheerful print, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”, by Rifle Paper Co., a gift from my bestie Genny. An antique black fan, a treasure find from our Masonic Lodge caretaking days. The “Be Attitudes” and “@“ signs on the wall. (I always meant to also hang a “home” sign next to the “@“, so it would make more sense.)
2. The box for Joe’s bb8 Sphero. Missing the actual bb8, which I need to round up for him.
3. The Mylar balloon word “love”, leftover from my Valentine’s photo shoot. I couldn’t bring myself to toss it yet, so it just hangs out here.
4. Tucked in back, mostly out of sight, the odious bucket of faux snowballs my kids LOVE and I loathe. A gift from a sister several years ago, these things end up in every corner of this room when the kids decide to play “snowball fight” (in fact, from my spot on the couch, I see at least one rogue ball under the toy bench. Of course.). And these things gather alll the hair and strings and lint and are just old and dingy and gross and are NEVER all in one place together. The kids LOVE THEM. Joe put the bucket up here, sort of hidden, after picking them up yet again last night.
5. Two DVD cases— one for Wall-E, another of Larkin’s current favorites, and one for Ponyo, one of the latest in Joe’s attempts to educate his kids in the Studio Ghibli canon of films.
6. Several LEGO creations- some original designs and some from sets, all of them Noah’s, set out of reach of Larkin. Eventually, he will be asked to take these back upstairs to his LEGO table, but for now, they’re “decor”.
7. And the most recent additions— Noah’s two Chicago souvenirs, a Willis Tower bell and a skyline snow globe, both carefully chosen and paid for with his souvenir allowance (“plus I’m going to use ten dollars of my own money while we’re in Chicago, okay, Mom?”). He is really proud of these items. He chose well.

At any given time, there are little stories in the details of our homes— things that matter, evidence of challenging times or good memories or current routines that will one day be obsolete. When the house is all tidied up and things are put away, that tells a story. And when things are awry and “stuff” is strewn and set about, those items tell a story too. And all of it is worth telling. When my home is put together and all the Legos and souvenirs and old photo props are put away, the story is that I am feeling cheerful and motivated and productive, and probably at peace and maybe in a planning/goal making groove. When there is a little bit of semi-organized clutter about, our lives are probably a little busier than usual, or we’ve had a few more gray days than usual... but it’s still kind of neat to think about why things end up where they are, not yet put back away: like I can see Quinn’s lovey and two of his stuffed animals over on the toy bench, and I realize he brings at least one item from his bed downstairs every morning before school— just to help him transition from cozy jammie sleep to getting dressed and ready for the day. It’s sweet, actually, and I don’t mind putting his lovey and friends back upstairs for him most days. Or Noah’s souvenirs: I know they are still new enough that they are freshly special to him, so if he wants them here, in the family room, on display for now... I can let them stay for awhile.

Ultimately, I’ll find another pocket of cheerful motivation, and things will get put back away. And that’s great. But today, I’m enjoying the details of the things left out, the things out of place... and I’m relishing the feeling of a full home and a good, simple, sometimes crazy little life here.

Defeat Looks Like Acceptance This Morning

It’s 8:00am, Sunday morning. Joe is out of town. Noah and Lucy are still sleeping, Quinn and Larkin are watching cartoons. 

Last night, after nearly a full week of managing Lucy’s second round with a tummy bug in under four weeks, Larkin stood in the kitchen and began heaving the contents of her tummy all over the floor. She’d also already had a turn with the stomach flu in the last four weeks, making her my second kid to have a second wave. 

After already having a challenging week coping with the reality of constantly sick kids, feeling sorry for myself and in the throes of winter despair, last night undid me. I slid into total defeat. My “sorry for myself” amplified to soul-splitting levels as I mopped up the floor and scrubbed the puke bowl clean for the millionth time. 

And then? I gave up. I finally gave up. That tense feeling of waiting and wishing it was different— the anger that this was happening...the self-pity—- it faded into background noise as I confronted the very real and immediate issue of how to handle a 2-year-old pukebomb who could go off at any time, wherever she might be. And we all know that 2-year olds don’t hit the bowl without help. I kicked into pure survival mode and prepped the couch for her to watch a cartoon (sheet-covered, old towels under that and around the floor, a bench with her puke bowl and a little bit of water for sipping). I then marched upstairs and prepped her bedroom for potential battle: mattress covered in towels, towels on the floor, extra toys removed (but lovey and fave blanket remained, because sick babies deserve comfort, even when the thought of things getting puked on makes me cringe hard). 

For the first time (I’m sheepish to admit it took this long), I finally LEANED IN. Rolled up my sleeves and accepted that this is my life. This, right this minute, is my life. It is what it is. I cannot change that Joe is out of town and snow is on the ground outside and two of my four kids are actively contagious with vomit germs. I am here and I cannot wish it away. And so I just leaned in. My peripheral vision narrowed until all I could see what what needed to be done right then to make my girls comfortable and to make any potential cleanup as easy as possible. My job wasn’t to wish we were back in those nostalgic days where no one was sick and the trees had leaves on them and all of us liked being outside and healthy. My job was to just HANDLE IT, whatever “it” turned out to be.

And it was okay. Not great: Larkin did in fact vomit again, at midnight, in her crib. But I was watching the monitor and heard a tell-tale cough before it began and was fast enough to make it to her room to hold her over the bowl. And it was a teeny amount. And she was calm and ready to lay right back down to try to sleep again. 

I didn’t get enough sleep: every time Lucy stirred, I worried she was going to have a repeat of yesterday morning where she kept leaning over her bowl with the urge to vomit, not sleeping... just waiting. And in fact, at 5:45 I woke to the adrenaline-inducing sound of her heaving into her bowl, as I’d worried about. After nearly 24 hours not puking— even eating a normal dinner— she had a lot to put into her bowl, and I had another gross clean-up/scrub to do. So tired. 

But it was okay. I handled the night and we’re all okay and any mess was mostly contained. 

And even though today is only day 2 of Joe’s 4-day absence, and even though two of my four are actively still in the 24-post puke window of potential contagion (and probably more than that... we’re probably just totally diseased and contagious on every surface of our own persons and this whole house. I can’t freak out about it anymore. ACCEPTANCE.)... even though this is not how I wanted my life to look right now (I fantasize about playing outside and about decluttering projects and about sewing summer dresses for the girls and about open windows and laying on quilts outside in the shade reading books) I am here. I’ve accepted that this is what life is today. Puke bowls and old towels and staying home from church and needing a shower and watching too many cartoons. 

And in honor of this feeling of defeat/acceptance this morning, I have some candles lit for “hygge”. The cute little diffuser is wafting out comforting essential oils. My Valentine tulips from Joe are bringing a piece of Spring to my house. There’s a bottle of Vitamin D supplements right there next to the flowers— I’ve only been taking them for 2 days, but I think they’re helping— and I’m listening to piano music on Alexa as I do a tiny bit of cross-stitching. Larkin and Quinn are watching (too many) cartoons and Lucy and Noah are still sleeping and we probably have more vomit ahead... but this is my life. I give up. And in giving up, I actually feel looser, lighter, and better. Sometimes maybe being defeated simply means we release our stubborn will and wishing, and only then can we soften enough to accept and let go. 

(Now, to try to keep this state of mind until my partner in crime returns.)

(I wish it didn’t take my stubborn heart so long to learn lessons. And then forget them and have to learn them again. And again.)

Only Love Today: Freewriting About the NOW

At the beginning of this year, I landed on the idea that, instead of a full year's resolution, I would instead try for a monthly "focus". For someone as wishy-washy as me, it felt more likely to succeed. I always have grand intentions, but, like a lot of folks, after the initial fervor it's easy to let the intentions drift away. Too, what may be something I really NEED at one point of the year might not be at ALL what I need at another point of that same year. Choosing something monthly allowed me to sit in a quiet place at the start of each month and really ponder my wants and needs for that exact moment. Choosing the focus, I could then lean into that one area above others for those weeks when the resolution is still fresh. And then, by the time it was fading, it would be time for another sit-down-and-ponder and a fresh focus. 

It's been really lovely. Truly a marvelous spin on New Years' Resolutions. And hey-- some months, nothing has felt like the right fit, and that's important for me to listen to as well. One month, over a week into the month, I realized that what I felt, every time I tried to come up with a focus, was this resistant feeling, and then the phrase "let it go". Like, "Okay, self-- don't fight for it so hard. If it's not apparent, that's okay. Let it go." And so that became my focus for the month. Just letting it go. Funny enough, the very next month was even more challenging, and I never did pick a focus (as you can see in the above photo). And that is okay too. When the project becomes a burden, it no longer serves its purpose. So having a month "off" was okay, too. 

But then August rolled around. And with it, a lot of feelings. Relief that it was a new month, a new chance to try... a building sense of being DONE with the summer mess and constantness of keeping four kids happy and healthy at home day in and day out. Less IRRITABLE than July, but definitely more WEARY overall. An itch for order again. For routine. A flutter of eagerness to have some space, time and solitude. Not because I don't love my kids or want to be around them-- but because I think for all the space and time we've had this summer, they also thrive in the drive and push and routine of the school year... and I think we remember to cherish our togetherness more when we don't have it all the time. 

I found myself tensing up at all the "buildup" of summer break-- both physical and intangible. A buildup of laundry. A buildup of energy unused because of it being too hot to be outside much. A buildup of STUFF that the kids would bring down from their room everyday, then forget to bring back up at the end of the day. A buildup of "to dos" on my end because of lack of solo-time and lack of energy, both being expended in summer parenting instead. A buildup of anxious "wishing" on my end-- wishing for things to be different, tidier, quieter, easier, more fun and less bicker-y. 

With all of this piling up, I found myself not in the moment AT ALL-- constantly annoyed at something or other because it had been this way TOO LONG. Time for CHANGE! New school year COMING, finally!! I was spending all my time waiting for something better and being annoyed that it wasn't better YET. 

So I stood in the middle of my kitchen one afternoon. I glared at my counter and all the JUNK everyone had contributed to its chaos. I glared at the recycling that my husband never seemed to see and empty. I glared at the trail of things Larkin had taken out of my desk drawer AGAIN and left scattered everywhere. I glared at the scummy spots on the floor. And I contemplated my focus for the month. Sharply, with annoyance, I considered doing a repeat of "Order". Or "Re-center". Hammering my heart and my life back into some kind of controlled schedule. Whipping things back into shape.

And it felt.... just as yucky as the mess. 

So I paused and tried to breathe a little. And soften. I tried to remind myself what was good about NOW. That soon I'd be sending three of my four off to school on the bus every day, which, for the moment, sounded like HEAVEN, but would also, ultimately, be bittersweet. I tried to remind myself that soon enough, SO SOON, I'd have so much more space for "order" and "re-centering". Soon it would be just me and the little yahoo (still making desk messes) and some flexibility and freedom in my days. Soon it would even be MY FAVORITE SEASON and we could all get back outside again. All of this-- so good, coming so SOON. 

But right now? Despite the mess and the noise, there was good in the NOW. We have all been luxuriously sleeping in every morning. Oh my gosh, it's glorious. We've all had slow, lovely, sun-filled mornings starting our days at our own paces. When I get Larkin out of bed, there is no hustle needed, and lots of time for games and songs as I get her changed and dressed. My kids have long ago settled into the rule of "no TV til afternoon" and it's been deeply satisfying for me to watch them disperse after breakfast to find ways to amuse themselves. And every day, no matter what our adventures or non-adventures of the morning have been, we have had a set Quiet Time while Larkin naps, and everyone has thrived with that hour of peaceful stillness all summer long. Despite the mess and the noise of having all four around me and my home all day, all summer, we've had a lovely "un-routine" and we've done okay inside it. Better than okay. 

And it's nearly over until next summer. 

So instead of wishing it away, and trying to wrangle life into order right now, maybe it was time to lean into it. Maybe even LOVE it. And the title of one of my current favorite books, a parenting/advice book by the Hands-Free Mama Rachel Macy Stafford, came to mind: Only Love Today. Only love today. You can read those three words a few different ways, and all of them fit what I needed for August. 

Only love today. 

Stafford writes in her intro, 

"Only love today, I silently repeated until the noise in my head quieted and I could be right where I needed to be-- in this moment.

... An unexpected blanket of peace settled over me, offering a crystal-clear perspective:

Those messy piles on the kitchen counter don't matter.
Those snug-fitting pants strewn on the floor of my closet don't either. 
That opportunity I missed fifteen years ago and still think about today will need to go now. 
That traffic I'll face taking Natalie to swim team practice won't faze me. ...
Even the nonstop rain sounds quite soothing as it beats down on the roof of my house for the ninth straight day.

In that forty-five-second pause to check the status of my heart, I received the ultimate reprieve: the distractions fell away... the pressure subsided... the worries dissipated... the weight lifted. What mattered most came into clear focus."

Only love today. Not annoyance at what ISN'T. Only love. Not wishing the days away until BETTER days come. Only love TODAY. Today. Love today. 

And so. As I have found myself tightening back up through the first week of August, hating the countertop, the laundry, the bickering, the feeling like I'm doing all the work... I have been able to stop, step back, and say to myself, "Love today." And then look around for something, anything, in the moment that I can appreciate or be grateful for. And it gets me back into the present and helps me see the good above the annoying. 

I have been able to walk past the messes that are making me lose my mind and whisper to myself, "That WILL get done. Be at peace. More time is coming. Until the right time opens up for it, though, let it go and only love today." The constant pile of papers and art messes on the dining room table (pictured above)?  It's okay. It'll get done eventually. But Larkin in her swimsuit atop her clothing, AGAIN? That's more fun to look at. The kids getting along during lunch? I will spend my energy looking at that and loving that, instead of glaring at the paper pile. 

The massive stack of boxes and baskets in my bedroom, filled with old baby clothes that need to be sorted, photographed and put for sale online (pictured below)? It's OKAY. It'll keep for another few months if it has to. I will look away from that and notice instead how sweetly Lucy and Quinn are playing together again this Quiet Time-- as they've done nearly every single Quiet Time this summer, devising elaborate Imagination Games together, without my help, like I've dreamed for my kids to do since before I had any. 

Only love today. There is a very dominant part of my nature that wants to wrangle control over my universe so I can step back and nod in satisfaction at how it all makes sense. But that is not how life works, and more often than not, very little is really in my control. Especially when it comes to the four little humans I'm raising here. Instead of finding reasons to be annoyed all day long, I choose love. I'm not great at it still-- I think it is my life's work to keep softening and seeing and letting go and learning to laugh at myself-- but I'm practicing it as often as I can remember to. I choose love. 

Only love. Today. 

*

(Photo details:

1. my "year at a glance" bullet journal spread, featuring this month's focus, "Love Today"

2. & 3. Blasted counters. I've given up. Groceries will get put away eventually. And the clutter counter next to it? I.... don't know. I give up. Maybe in September I'll put that stuff away and it'll be clear for three days. Until the buildup begins again. 

4. Laundry is now permanently residing behind our couch. But hey, it's all clean!

5. I'm really really done with providing lunch for four every single day.  McDonalds has been supplementing a LOT. I'm not going to apologize. At least the Happy Meals have apples in them. 

6. I think Fiona had just nibbled his forehead here. Not sure how that's done, but it's what Quinn claims happened. 

7. A rare, lovely moment where Noah decided on his own to play the cello and everyone came to hang out while he did. 

8. In a stroke of luck and brilliance, I grabbed a "shrinky dink" kit from Five Below last week and it has been a hit. Especially the watching of the shrinking. Also, we're nearing a bum-crack emergency here, obviously. Maybe I should sort out the too-small shirts from their drawers. NEXT MONTH. Only love today. 

9. Speaking of today, Elise is in town TODAY today. Like, THIS ACTUAL DAY! How cute is this Larkin/Aunt Elise selfie?

10. Lucy and Quinn during today's quiet time, totally immersed in their Happy Meal toys (for once) and playing so well together.

11. If we're gonna binge on cartoons, at least we're doing it together, snuggled and cozy.)

Six Days in Hawaii: February 2016

Once upon a February, more than fifteen months ago actually (HOW does time fly like this??), I had the incredible opportunity to fly to Oahu, Hawaii to spend almost a full week with my sister Beckie. BY MYSELF. Sans kids and Joe. Whaat? 

My sis had been living in Honolulu since 2012, and we always talked about the possibility of a visit one day... But Lucy was just a baby when Beckie left, and then Quinn came along only 21 months after Lucy, and it was intense for a while. But by the end of 2015, with Quinn about to turn three, it began to seem possible. So on a whim, in fall of 2015, I began searching ticket prices. Beckie always said if I paid for half my ticket, she'd pay for the other half in exchange for some professional photos of her food blog trio, Buttertooth. When I looked for ticket prices that fell during the low season (January and February), I found an insanely good deal, and while I didn't totally impulse-buy it, I did get on the phone right away with Joe and with Beckie and we decided we could make this happen. The prices stayed low and by the next day, I'd (eep!!) clicked "buy" and committed to a trip to Hawaii in February 2016. 

Of course at the time, I had no idea I'd turn up pregnant by the time this trip happened-- I was ready for a week-long trip of freedom. But fate is funny, and by the time I departed to Hawaii, I was seven-eight weeks pregnant with Larkin, and starting to be a tiny bit queasy, a tiny bit puffy in my belly (fourth kid and all), and still mostly not telling anyone I was pregnant. I made exceptions for my Hawaii hosts, letting them in on the news so they'd know why I might need to rest a bit more, or eat a bit less. 

Day One:

So, after years of anticipation and weeks of prepping, I finally headed to the airport to begin my adventure on February 3, 2016. Leaving somewhere cold to head somewhere warm; leaving a full-time job as a mama to three (and 1/9th) kiddos to head to paradise. 

 

The trip had two legs-- STL to San Francisco, then SF to Honolulu, and I relished the sense of adventure, the freedom to plug in earbuds and listen to music while I read or dozed... And I really wanted to be in the mood for some San Francisco clam chowder and sourdough bread during my layover, but my touchy tummy steered me to a lighter, fresher lunch of Asian noodles and salad. 

The fun part about flying TO Hawaii is that time stands still enough that you are practically running backwards in time, really. Whereas you've put in 10 hours of flying + the hours of waiting in airports at the beginning and middle of the trip, somehow you land in paradise with half of the day still available to you to enjoy. The other fun thing about flying to Hawaii is that your hosts almost always greet you with flowers. And my lei smelled incredible.

My sister, Beckie, lives (lived? It's a long story, but a year after this trip, all three have moved back to St. Louis to two different abodes... But that gets confusing as I tell this old story. So we'll pretend I didn't procrastinate this fun blog post so long, and that all three are still in Hawaii for the duration of this story.) with her two best friends, Kyle and Micah. So when you visit one, you get all three. And I LOVE that. This trio is incredibly warm, charming, and fun, and I felt like a welcome fourth wheel right off the bat. (I have known and loved Kyle for years, and had met and bonded with Micah one time before this visit, so it was already totally comfortable to hang with the gang.)

So after being greeted with a lei at the airport and heading to the apartment to drop off stuff and refresh, the first thing we did was head to Waikiki to get drinks/appetizers at House Without a Key in the Halekulani Hotel. This open air lounge was right on the beach, had live Hawaiian style music, and a stunning view of the sunset. We were able to relax, catch up, unwind, and begin talking plans for the week. We Stayed past the sun going down, then strolled along the beachfront to the Steak Shack to get a light dinner, which we ate as we watched the folks on the beach become silhouettes. And though at that point it was only 8 pm local time, my body knew it was really 1am, and I was WIPED out. So my kind hosts brought me home and got me settled, and I crashed into sleep for my first night there.  

Day Two:

 Many homes and apartments in the area aren't air conditioned because open windows, fans, and lanais (porches with wide-open doors)are the norm to cool down a home. So As this week commenced, I found myself waking to progressively more impressive humidity-induced bedhead. So Day Two started out with a selfie to show how bad my hair was to my hubby back home. 

Of all the days I was there, this day two was the only day my sister had to work most of the day. Luckily for me, one of my goof friends, Terina, had moved to Oahu in the last year or two and was more than happy to host me for the day, to take me to parts of the island I'd not seen yet. (I never blogged the full trip, of course, but Joe, Noah and I got to spend a week in Oahu back in 2010, so this was not my first time here.) She picked me up from Beckie's apartment in the morning and we headed to her home in Mililani, near the middle of the island, to get a few things, then we headed, with her cute 4-year-old son Jacob, to the North Shore and Haliewa to explore. En route to the North Shore is the Dole Plantation, so we stopped there first. 

(I love how pineapples look when they're still growing. SO COOL. These were tinier than you would think, and I didn't think to put something in the photo to show scale. These were both maybe the size of a pear?)

 

 

I of course didn't have Quinn with me, but luckily, Jacob was a fan of trains, too, so we took the train tour of the plantation and I took some train photos to share with my train-loving kiddo back home. 

 

 

This is Terina (Hi, Terina!) and her son making some sort of Quasimodo face, I guess. 

 

Banana trees: so crazy to see the clusters of ripening fruit up there where you'd expect to see coconuts or something. 

 

Done with the train ride, we headed to the main building and enjoyed watching this guy carve as we went inside to grab some Dole Whip and a light lunch of Kahlua pork. 

 

We headed back on the road to North Shore, and our first stop was Matsumoto's Shave Ice, of course. 

 

Terina recommended getting it with sweetened condensed milk drizzled over the top, which is BRILLIANT. I loved it! And we sat outside in their patio area while live music was performed. 

 

After shave ice and some window shopping, we headed to Shark's Cove for a bit and waded around in the warm shallows. We then headed to Ted's Bakery to get the famous cream pie and other goodies. 

Terina then took us to one more beach, maybe Sunset Beach (I don't remember the name, Terina... Sorry!). We plopped down some beach chairs and Jacob played in the sand and surf while Terina and I gabbed and sifted through sand aimlessly, looking for treasures. Terina is an avid beachcomber, so it was second nature for her to be constantly sifting and looking for goodies. Kind of fun! We ended our visit as the sun was getting low, gabbing the whole way back to the south end of Oahu to my sister's apartment. It was a perfect day and Terina was a wonderful tour guide. ♥

As night fell, my sister, off of work, prepped an incredibly tasty dinner for the fellas and I-- some open-faced steak and blue cheese sandwiches and a beautiful chop salad. You have to know that one of my only goals for this trip to Hawaii-- item two of a three-item list, in fact-- was to find a way to have Beckie, Kyle and Micah feed me as often as possible. They are Buttertooth, and they make food TO DIE FOR. Beckie and Micah tend to cover the savory dishes and Kyle is usually the dessert-maker, though they all overlap some... but as a whole, they are incredible chefs, and after reading their food blog for over a year, I was dying to get some of their artistry into my belly. 

We had a lovely evening of good food and lots of gabbing, and I needed my second day full, exhausted, and happy. 

 

Day Three:

(Here. You can just have all my morning bedhead shots in one go of it, so laugh away, but then forget you ever saw these.  So funny!)

Day three began with some yummy bakery treats from my sis, who had to leave for a day shift at her job at the cafe at the Honolulu Museum of Art. It was all good though, because I had arranged to meet another friend--this one from my online photography community--and her two sons at the affiliate museum of art for a morning of chatting and art-browsing. So while Beckie went to work at the Honolulu Museum of Art, I got dropped off a bit north of there at the Spalding House, the sister museum that focuses more on temporary exhibits and modern art. My friend Liz and her two sons arrived shortly after me and we strolled through the small but lovely museum, which was featuring an exhibit on plastics. 

This exhibit, shown above and below here, was pretty cool/unsettling: there was a table FULL of washed up beach junk plastic in every color and form imaginable, much of it battered and worn smooth on the edges from its time in the elements. We as patrons were invited to create an ornament of sorts-- a wire hanger with whatever pieces we were drawn to, in whatever configuration we wanted-- and then turn around and hang it on the installation behind us-- a whole wall of patron-made trash-plastic sculptures. From a few steps back, it really did look like "art". But it was sobering to realize how much our waste is filling our world, and how harmful it can be to the beaches and the sea creatures. 

 

Spalding House is not only know for its exhibits, but for its amazing lawn and gardens. We finished our morning visit together wandering the paths and chatting while Liz's sons ran ahead and explored. I enjoyed seeing the tiny geckos among the plants, and marveling at the cool layout of the gardens. 

 

 

 

 

After our visit, Liz dropped me off at the main museum to meet my sister, and I got to sit and enjoy lunch at the fabulous cafe where Beckie worked and Kyle managed. Right in the center courtyard of the museum, this cafe serves a high-end, carefully-prepared rotating menu of excellent dishes, and I was able to try three of the offerings: 

1. Grilled eggplant with chili goat cheese and basil oil, with foccacia on the side

2. Mahi mahi with soba noodle salad and cucumber mint relish

3. Pot de creme: a dense chocolate mousse with fresh whipped cream and berries

After lunch, as my sister was finishing up her shift and cleaning up, I was able to wander several of the galleries at the museum. It was so beautiful and delightful to stroll in the air conditioning, enjoying all sorts of art genres at my leisure. 

Eventually Beckie found me and we went together to the temporary exhibit displaying Japanese Harajuku textiles. It was super cool, and definitely more than a bit weird. I really connected with several of the pieces. I think, at heart, there will always be an element of "I wish I could just play dress-up" in my personality.

That afternoon, I am certain I took a leisurely nap, and that evening Beckie, the boys and I went to La Tour for dinner and relaxed at their home afterward watching junk tv and relaxing. 

Day Four:

Day four dawned extra early, to the sound of an alarm set for a morning whale watch boat ride. My amazing sister had asked what things I might want to do while I was in Hawaii, and since I'd been there before and done many of the usual Oahu things, I told her that I didn't need to be a "tourist" the whole time. In fact, there were just three things I wanted to make sure I tried to do while there:

1. convince Buttertooth to make me food. A lot. 

2. Go to the Honolulu Swap Meet

3. Maybe try to see a humpback whale, since they have been my favorite animal since I was 10, and they actually migrate to Hawaii for winter and back to Alaska for summer. What are the odds I'd ever be in the right place at the right time, ever?? 

So Beckie paid attention to my list and without telling me, she bought us tickets for a whale watching boat as her treat to me. That's the gift of a lifetime, guys. *heart eyes*  Our boat left pretty early, so we rose even earlier to get Beckie a coffee and me a smoothie, and off we went.

Chugging out of the marina where the boat was docked, I enjoyed seeing the boats and buildings along the basin, and even got to see Beckie's other job, 53 By The Sea, a fine-dining restaurant (the one below with the turquoise windows) she served at a few nights a week. 

Out in the open ocean, we had a pretty grey morning with occasional misty drizzle, and a lovely cool wind. The sun would peek through here and there, but it was mostly many shades of blue and grey. 

 

The whale watching tour was supposed to be between 1.5-2 hours, and I have to be honest: it was mostly a wash. Within a few minutes of hitting the open sea, we were able to glimpse a dorsal fin of one whale, but after that, though we waited and drifted to and fro searching, we never spotted another whale. And the captain, trying to explore as much of the Waikiki Bay as he could to search for whales, ended up using the engine a lot more than he typically would have, and the smell of wafting gasoline was constant, creating a queasy headache in me and tipping my already-motion-sick sister all the way over to pukesville for the second half of the trip.

 

 

Above, the lone dorsal fin of the lone whale. I don't regret the trip in the slightest: this is still the closest I have *ever* been to a magnificent humpback whale, and I love thinking about him/her just yards away, under the surface of the ocean, more vast than I can imagine without actually seeing for myself.  I just felt really terrible for Beckie, who was MISERABLE. 

It was a relief to finally be off the boat, and as we walked back to the car, we did get treated to a visit from a cute sea turtle, randomly, as he popped up in the marina. 

 

The rest of the late morning was spent recovering from the queasiness for both of us, and we both ended up taking a nap. By early afternoon, we'd rallied, and Kyle and  Micah were off of their work shifts. So we headed to one of the outdoor malls in Honolulu for lunch, opting for the cute Magnolia Bakery and Cafe. Food was delicious and the cupcakes were beautiful. While at the mall, I nabbed a pair of comfy cute sandals and got caught in the middle of a Chinese Dragon dance as they literally headed right for me. :)

We puttered around a few more local spots, then stopped at a nail shop for pedicures to pass the time til our evening reservation at the Pig & the Lady, a wonderful favorite restaurant of the trio "featuring globally accented, modern Vietnamese cooking in a lively setting with communal tables" as their website SEO states. Oh boy was it a culinary delight, and I don't even need to tell you how much I enjoyed the company. 

 

Day Five:

We had a leisurely morning, and I enjoyed my Magnolia cupcake for breakfast. Whatever-- it's vacation. Today's agenda: Check out the Honolulu Swap Meet, held at the stadium, and then picnic on the southeast side of the island and do two minisessions while there. Then probably stay in and enjoy the trio making dinner for us, and then some games on the lanai.

 

So we started out by heading to the Swap Meet. I had seen posts about Beckie and Kyle visiting this swap in months past, and Kyle, in fact, even had a booth there for a time, selling vintage clothing and finds. It just looked like my cup of tea and I knew I wanted them to take me there while I  was in town. I bought a few treasures as we browsed, but I mostly enjoyed taking photos as we went. 

 

It was a lovely day for the swap, and much of the area we were in was shady. I bought some cute fabric and a skirt for Lucy, some wooden airplanes for Quinn, and I can't remember what treasure i found for Noah, but I did get him something! I also found a vendor selling bowls of fresh-cut tropical fruit, and my pregnant tummy had to have one. 

Beckie, Kyle and Micah were good sports about my big-camera photos, letting me nab them for photos here and there.

 

From the swap, we went to Waikiki for a little bit and sat on a smaller local beach eating some of the treats we'd gotten at the swap, passing time til it was time to meet their friends for photos on the far southeast side of the island.

After a leisurely drive, we landed at Makapu'u, a park with a lighthouse and hiking trails, where we'd decided to shoot a minisession for Buttertooth and another minisession for their friends Jackie, Eric and their daughter.  We had a fun picnic of appetizer-style food, and used the wild, warm, windswept landscape as the backdrop for photos. (I included a few from the Buttertooth mini.)

(P.S. Poodles are the bee's knees to these three. ♥)

 

Heading back to the apartment, we stopped at a gorgeous lookout for photos, including a few sister pix. 

 

Home again, home again, and we spent the evening listening to the Pink Martini Pandora station while Micah and Beckie whipped up some authentic Mexican cuisine, including to-die-for fresh guacamole and pico de gallo, flautas, and poblano rice. SO GOOD.We finished the night off with a rigorous game of dominoes on the lanai, completely full and content. 

 

Day Six:

Beckie once again donned her apron and got to work making an incredible eggs Benedict with homemade hollandaise on a purple poi English muffin. Poi comes from the native Hawaiian purple taro root, and it can be found in all kinds of foods in Hawaii. Here, it mostly lent color, not a whole lot of different flavor.

 

After breakfast, we packed our beach bags and sunscreen, the gang grabbed their usual umbrella and  chairs, and the poodles of course, and we headed out to the windward side of the island to one of their very favorite beaches for a full beach day. We stopped at the Kalapawai Market in Kailua to get foodstuffs and beverages. They had a sandwich counter serving up really yummy sandwiches, and their selection of other picnic items was good. Plus, it was just a super cute shop.  We then headed to the beach and set up our spot near the tree line, just meters away from the incredibly beautiful blue water. We spent the day reading, chatting, playing games, wading, and I took a stroll down the beach a pretty long way, just being in the moment and soaking it all in. I'd be packing up that night and leaving pretty early the next morning for a full day of flying home, so this was really it-- my final sunny moments on beautiful Oahu. 

 

Late in the afternoon, we packed it all up, stopped for amazing shaved ice at The Local, and they indulged me as I chased a pretty rooster for a photo. Ha! We kept things pretty chill that evening, tired from the sun and sand, and I worked to compile all my stuff to pack it. I ended up with enough new fun goodies that I had to pack a box to ship home!! 

Day Seven:

While this technically doesn't count as a day in Hawaii, it was a full day of travel, since as you head back to the mainland, you chase time and never fully get it back.  My flight from Honolulu departed at 8:00am (so sorry for the crazy-early morning, sister!) and had a layover both in L.A. and in Salt Lake City. I had a good lunch in California and had wistful text exchanges with a few Utah friends while I was in their state-- so close but so far away-- and because of the time differences, I didn't land in St. Louis until midnight. My body felt like it was still only 6pm, but travel is weird, and I used up my whole day getting home. But it's good it happened that way. I was able to get home, go to bed, and start a new day the next day with no sudden transition from free spirit traveler back to multitasking pregnant mom of three. I was able to miss my kiddos and check in on them while they slept, and be ready to face their high energy the next morning with excitement. 

It was all so good. From the moment I actually booked the ticket--- hello months of anticipation!-- to the moment I laid my head onto my own pillow upon returning home, it was all just a joy and an endless supply of happy thoughts and wonderful moments. 

Thank you, Beckie, Kyle and Micah, for hosting me so well. 

Thank you Joe for setting me free for a whole week. 

And thank you Hawaii, for holding me rapt with your beauty, reminding me that there is beauty everywhere and adventures yet to come in my life.