March Morning Freewrite

Ack. It's March. I let a whole month go by without blogging. Poo. I really have this goal to blog twice a week, even just quick little freewrites like right now--- a quick 20 minute BLURT... but this past month got away from me. I have the plan to come home from dropping Quinn off at preschool on Mondays and Wednesdays and put Larkin down for nap and then sit and do a blog.... But this last month had many times where Quinn didn't go to preschool-- either days off like President's Day, or sickness keeping him home, etc., and the whole Blog Plan flew out the window. Add to that I want to blog my Hawaii photos from last year, so I easily talk myself out of any other blog posts, since I "have" to do the Hawaii one first.....when that's a cop-out. I could certainly blog other things in the meantime. 

I don't even know. It's kind of still a weird zone of life over here.... Just managing the dailiness of four kids has proven to be massively more time consuming than ever before... more than even with three kids. Daily things like getting them ready for the day, fed, out the door, keeping the dishes/laundry/groceries in rotation, keeping the basic clutter at bay-- not even the deep clutter-- just the basics like "shoes on the shoe shelf, throw pillows back on the couch" kind of thing. And at the moment it doesn't feel like it's getting easier, like it has in the past. In the past, it's been mostly a matter or learning the new level of skill needed to manage my life. Like, once I master the new level of hardness, things level off and I am breathing again, with room to do extra things. But this is frighteningly starting to feel like it's ALWAYS gonna feel this intense. Not much breathing, and not much EXTRA stuff. Yikes. It doesn't help that Larkin has been kind of a needy baby suddenly. With the onset of teething, her first cold, and all her wiring buzzing like mad with new milestones (rolling and being able to get herself to things she wants on her own, solid foods, full nights in her crib, etc.) she is just intense. She needs to be held or interacted with nonstop, and is shaking up her predictable behaviors, especially sleep behaviors. Add to that Quinn and his two sicknesses in February-- a tummy bug and an ear infection-- and add in the usual February BLAHS, and we're in a weird spot these days. 

I need to be outside. I need my kids to get outside.... I need to put down my phone and just close my eyes and inhale fresh air. I need to read inspiring things and write my feelings down until I begin to understand myself again, and I need to get quiet and listen to my inner self and try to remember how to hear what she needs. But then, I also need to learn how to take care of what everyone else needs at the same time... and I think that probably means that there will be lots of times I can't just cater to my own inner self, and she'll have to learn to wait and be at peace with the waiting. I need to learn that too. I need to trust that this season is happening just like this for a reason, and that there is time yet for other things... And that THIS--no matter how weird, chaotic, displaced, dissatisfying, frazzled, or weary it all feels right now-- THIS is my real life. It is what it is. And I can't keep waiting for something better, or more predictable, or more in control, or more "free" to begin to happen in order for me to claim it as my REAL LIFE. This right now IS my real life. So I need to own it, sit in it, breathe it in, accept it, and see it for what it really is.... even the blah parts. 

Well, Larkin just woke up. After a long, fussy road to sleep, she only slept 45 minutes instead of the usual 1.5 hours. This is real life. There are no SHOULDS. I need to remember that. Just because she SHOULD sleep longer doesn't guarantee it. And so I leave the freewriting and dive back in... back to life. 

(Trying out the "glasses" look. I think I like it. Haha!)

(I've been chomping on chiclets all morning... three pieces at a time til they lose their flavor, then into the trash with them and three fresh pieces popped in.)