Monday, January 9
I'm not chained to the notion that I need to make yearly New Year's Resolutions. There are years I don't really think too much about it, and years I have all sorts of get-up-and-go and make lists and pretty journal pages and everything. And there are years that the overwhelming hunger for change and renewal happens mid-year-- a random hot July day or something. There is no pattern, really.
I think I've experienced enough disillusionment with my own passion for real change that when I get that bug-- that itch and hunger to start making lists of things I want to try, things I want to change, things I want to improve upon, things I want to fix and make and throw away.... I immediately feel cynical, and I try to shrug and say, "Well, resolutions don't really work anyway, so..."
There's something really cool about giving in to that itch and letting the lists come. Pouring out all those ideas that have suddenly come, freeflowing, to my mind and heart and soul. And maybe what I need to tell myself when the doubt and cynicism try to plug up that flow of thought is that there is a gift in just the wanting of change. That there is something happening within me that needs to be recognized and honored. And even if those lists and notes and impassioned paragraphs I write don't end up amounting to much in the long run... if I once again fail to remain disciplined or passionate about those things... If real life creeps back in and I fall back into old tired patterns... Well, there is still a gift in having those times where the excitement comes readily. And maybe, just maybe, each time I have that drive to TRY, there is some actual growth happening. And even when I fall back to old patterns, maybe I'm just a little better, a little further along than I was before.
All that to say, I've been pretty dormant in the "Lets Make Plans and Resolutions" department for a while now. But as 2016 has rolled over to 2017, I am feeling that old hunger awaken. I am feeling that tickle for NEW WAYS and new thoughts and new plans. I am feeling stiff and dusty and ready to stretch and try some new things. I've found myself trying to tamp it down--- that old cynicism whispering, "Why bother?" But the universe keeps sending more signals that maybe its time to have faith that there really are things I can work on and find satisfaction in trying to change. A class here, an online challenge there... a friend recommending an empowering discourse I should listen to. And it's time for me to just give in and let myself feel excited. Feel inspired. And start moving in the direction it all seems to be pushing me.
Funnily enough, the things I want to work on aren't really tangible... nothing any of you would probably even notice. I want to get rid of the old-- old ideas and crutches... old STUFF in my garage... Old hangups. And I want to work on actively seeking inspiration. Being ACTIVE in my own life overall, really. Not just passively watching and waiting for these motherhood "trenches" to get easier. Ha! I hear they don't ever get easier. So I don't want to waste any more time making excuses and "waiting". I want to live with intention again. Oh, and I want to learn to cook good beef. Really, that's the only major external, tangible goal for 2017. Ha ha!
In seasons past, I've wanted to MAKE ART and FINISH PHOTO BOOKS and SEW MORE and do COUCH25K and on and on... and those wishes haven't gone away... I still want all those things. But they're not what's "itching" right now. And maybe if I go back to the basics... tackle my foundations first, then maybe those more surface wishes will more readily find their way to my life.
I feel good. Excited. Hopeful. Nervous. I haven't felt this raw and unsure in a long time. I thought I'd figured myself out for the most part. But it turns out you're always relearning. And I'm back at the beginning again, ready to be retaught.
Maybe you're feeling it too? What does the beginning of this new year feel like for you? Are you more on the side of "why bother?" or are you feeling like you're ready for radical change? What are you wanting to do about it?
Regardless of how our paths may differ or cross, here's to a new year and new adventures ahead. I feel hopeful, for all of us.
(photo of Larkin and Fiona unrelated to today's topic. But we can always use more "cute" in our day, so there ya go. Taken October 2016.)
Posted by Emily S. at 10:39 AM