Sunday, March 29
Five For Friday: Bed-Jumping Edition
One morning, one recent day, I made sure to grab my big camera for the shenanigans
my two little sidekicks were up to. They did not disappoint.
These two. They fill my days, and my heart. We miss Noah, off being a big first grader at school all day, and if you asked him, he'd choose to be here with us in a heartbeat... But he's doing phenomenal things there at school, so it's all good.
Meanwhile, here at home, we just muck around and bend the rules, like so:
Perhaps sometime soon I should make Lucy a cape of her own, with her own initial. Maybe I'll make Quinn one, too, while I am at it.
Post should end here, really. It's complete. But then, I feel like..... listen. This is such a cute set of photos. And I did make that cape for Noah once. And I have been a productive and clever gal in the past. But recently? Not so much. I don't feel like I am that same gal right now, and it is bumming me out. So I feel like we need to talk. Like I need to confess that you're not getting that Emily you might be used to. Like, somewhere in the last couple of years, she's shifted.... And I don't know what it means, exactly, and I don't know why I can't seem to get back to the me I feel like I KNOW really well.... Just a whole lot of "I don't know"s.... But I feel like you deserve to know this about me.
And it's been humbling. And for the most part, I am okay with this "me".... The one who lets things go a lot more, who has become (NOT for better) flakier. Who is, if anything, LESS sure and LESS formed than she was 5 years ago... And I don't have any amazing point to this confession. I just thought you should know.
I hope one day, some really cool epiphanies will start to flow again, and I might have something more to offer to my readers than these messy, loose-end confessions. That I will have learned some concrete things worth passing on. But right now, I am in the thick of it... Of parenting small kids, of bumbling through owning my own small business and being my own terrible boss, of feeling the weight of time and age and seeing for the first time how disillusionment might actually begin to happen in one's life, of feeling so many wishes and hopes and seeing so many ways in which I fall short.... I am constantly humbled, and working on finding the balance between that humbling being good and rich and spiritual, or just being demeaning and self-crushing.
Basically, I'm a mess. Just a mess of flawed humanity. But I'm a mess that is working on it. Always. Except when I choose to nap instead. But mostly I really am working, striving, yearning, reaching, wishing, watching, waiting, praying, and just trying to hold on as life works on me.
But I'm not that sassy gal you started reading a while back. Not right this moment. Hopefully what I am right now is still enough. Be patient with me. And I will try to patient with myself, too. There might just be some wisdom and fresh perspective around the corner.
(And if you're in the thick of this indefinable phase with me, here's a massive, too-tight virtual hug from me. I sometimes feel like that's all I want--- a really long, tight hug and someone telling me I'm okay, just like this, flawed and all. So here's one for you. You need it, too.)
Peace out. Gonna try to get 5ForFri. posted on an actual Friday this week. And gonna try to potty train Lucy this week, too. Ack. That's another post for another day.
Posted by Emily S. at 10:06 PM