Hey! I'm Emily... homebody, amateur philosopher, professional photographer, mama and wife. This is my little world-- a place for me to preserve the little snippets of my life that bring me joy, make me think, or show my creative leanings. I'm so happy you're here. If you get a minute, please introduce yourself in the comments. If you like what you see, you are invited to follow my blog through your RSS Reader. Just click the link at the bottom of the page to add me.
Thank you for being part of my little world... :)

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Sunday, March 29

Five For Friday, On Sunday, Because, Well, C'est Moi These Days

Five For Friday: Bed-Jumping Edition
 
One morning, one recent day, I made sure to grab my big camera for the shenanigans 
my two little sidekicks were up to. They did not disappoint. 

These two. They fill my days, and my heart. We miss Noah, off being a big first grader at school all day, and if you asked him, he'd choose to be here with us in a heartbeat... But he's doing phenomenal things there at school, so it's all good. 

Meanwhile, here at home, we just muck around and bend the rules, like so:

 

Perhaps sometime soon I should make Lucy a cape of her own, with her own initial. Maybe I'll make Quinn one, too, while I am at it. 

Maybe. 

Post should end here, really. It's complete. But then, I feel like..... listen. This is such a cute set of photos. And I did make that cape for Noah once. And I have been a productive and clever gal in the past. But recently? Not so much. I don't feel like I am that same gal right now, and it is bumming me out. So I feel like we need to talk. Like I need to confess that you're not getting that Emily you might be used to. Like, somewhere in the last couple of years, she's shifted.... And I don't know what it means, exactly, and I don't know why I can't seem to get back to the me I feel like I KNOW really well.... Just a whole lot of "I don't know"s.... But I feel like you deserve to know this about me.

And it's been humbling. And for the most part, I am okay with this "me".... The one who lets things go a lot more, who has become (NOT for better) flakier. Who is, if anything, LESS sure and LESS formed than she was 5 years ago... And I don't have any amazing point to this confession. I just thought you should know. 

I hope one day, some really cool epiphanies will start to flow again, and I might have something more to offer to my readers than these messy, loose-end confessions. That I will have learned some concrete things worth passing on. But right now, I am in the thick of it... Of parenting small kids, of bumbling through owning my own small business and being my own terrible boss, of feeling the weight of time and age and seeing for the first time how disillusionment might actually begin to happen in one's life, of feeling so many wishes and hopes and seeing so many ways in which I fall short.... I am constantly humbled, and working on finding the balance between that humbling being good and rich and spiritual, or just being demeaning and self-crushing.

Basically, I'm a mess. Just a mess of flawed humanity. But I'm a mess that is working on it. Always. Except when I choose to nap instead. But mostly I really am working, striving, yearning, reaching, wishing, watching, waiting, praying, and just trying to hold on as life works on me. 

But I'm not that sassy gal you started reading a while back. Not right this moment. Hopefully what I am right now is still enough. Be patient with me. And I will try to patient with myself, too. There might just be some wisdom and fresh perspective around the corner. 

(And if you're in the thick of this indefinable phase with me, here's a massive, too-tight virtual hug from me. I sometimes feel like that's all I want--- a really long, tight hug and someone telling me I'm okay, just like this, flawed and all. So here's one for you. You need it, too.)


Peace out. Gonna try to get 5ForFri. posted on an actual Friday this week. And gonna try to potty train Lucy this week, too. Ack. That's another post for another day.

6 comments:

  1. And this..."of feeling the weight of time and age and seeing for the first time how disillusionment might actually begin to happen in one's life, of feeling so many wishes and hopes and seeing so many ways in which I fall short.." YES YES YES! Amen to this, sister...I feel it every day these days. It's humbling and scary and disappointing and forgiving all at once...know that I am with you here!

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  2. If I was better at putting my feelings into words, I would have written a very similar post. Every day. For a year. I completely get where you are in this moment.

    Way to show up.

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  3. I can't find the "like" button. I would push it 317 times.
    Every single time I stop by to visit..... you make my world more twirly, (yes that is a word).
    I love your honesty. Makes me feel like, I don't know.........it's not just me fumbling along some days, months etc...
    Sending oodles of good karma your way.
    You are an ahhhmazing mom..........wife............. that's all that really matters.
    Will be back for more.

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  4. Right there with you. Thanks for putting into words what I cannot. Hugs to you, too!

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  5. How cute! Your kids are really very lovely. I am a Port Macquarie Photographer and love to capture such photographs. I really enjoy spending time with my kiddos. You have shared an amazing article!!

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