Wednesday, November 19
Sometimes it just hits hard-- that huge, oppressive wave of BLAH. Things will be humming along--- a day well-spent, time for work, time for play, time for rest, kids relatively happy, content....home relatively tidy, ordered..... Things under control, sunshine shining, feeling rested and optimistic and even, dare I say it, balanced? when WHAM---one thing (or another) tips that balance. Without warning, a bill in the mail, or an email, or some news, or an unexpected mess or injury, or a disruption to the routine HAPPENS and the wave of BLAH crashes into me. Is this just me?
When it hits, even if the "thing" that caused it is really quite small, suddenly EVERYTHING is thrown off-kilter and all the problems and messes and undone things and issues and self-doubts and even self-loathings rise to the surface and suddenly all that good stuff fades to almost invisible. All I can do it feel rotten, and less-than, and anxious, and BLAH. Perhaps it's a bit of bad financial news. Doesn't matter that it's about money, suddenly even my laundry pile is in cahoots with the money problem and both team up to take me down. What was, before the "thing", the sound of kids playing and goofing off happily suddenly becomes the most grating and awful noise in the world, like nails on a chalkboard, and I no longer have any tolerance for those little loud voices. The to-do list that was humming along suddenly gets at least fifty things added to it, things that have lurked just beneath memory, things that should have never gotten forgotten in the first place- a signed slip or a thank you card or a client request or a promise to a friend.
That wave of blah is ugly. UGLY ugly ugly. Because it inevitably starts up that inner self-critical voice. And that inner critic is not very nice. "You should've...." "Why can't you...." "You never....." "You always...." "You're such a....."
(insert that face Charles Schultz perfected in his Peanuts comic strip where those simple dot eyes suddenly convey total inner angst with just the addition of some parentheses marks.)
Yeah. That's the one. That's me when that wave of BLAH hits.
Tonight, it hit for the DUMBEST REASON. Like, so junior high. I was skimming along, reading Facebook like everyone does.... Reading this snippet and that, when I saw a comment on a random friend's post. The commenter was another friend of mine, a newer one. And I realized we weren't "Facebook friends". And that, dear readers, was it. The "thing". SO DUMB. SO JUNIOR HIGH. But that inner critic dove in with the "Why wouldn't she be your FB friend? Maybe she doesn't like you like you thought she did. Maybe lots of people don't like you like you assume they will. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" *nag nag pinch pinch*
This is depressing for two reasons:
1. Because man, that junior high feeling of wondering if you're not liked by people DOES feel gross.
2. But also, man.... how lame that it is a FACEBOOK FRIENDING ISSUE derailing me tonight?! I'm almost MORE derailed by the lameness of this junior highness than the original issue.
Ha. Blah. Boo. Sniff.
Point is. I've been derailed, which then makes me feel like:
1. why am I so lame? 2. Why can't I be fully content with the bounty of friends I DO have? RIGHT?!?! 3. Maybe I'll blog-vent. 4. Why have I not blogged since November 7th?! 5. Why can't I get my crap together in that regard? I love blogging! How hard is it to be more consistent? 6. Oh yeah, because I feel that dumb need to have PHOTOS for any and all blog posts and 7. I am 100 years behind on sorting, editing, hell, TAKING personal photos so 8. of course they're not ready to blog so 9. That's why I am doing so badly on the blogging front. 10. which reminds me, I am ALSO behind on 11. dresses for Jess's kiddos 12. prepping prints for x,y and z clients to deliver/mail 13. emailing x, y, and z clients back 14. and oh CRAP I *did* manage to complete my bookkeeping to determine sales tax for MO owed, but I STILL HAVEN'T PAID THAT TAX! 15. and wait, I might be out of money if they need more than I think I owe 16. I need to email a, b, and c potential clients to follow up to see if they want to book, because if they do, I could use that money for the taxes and 17. wait, I also have that one idea for that one friend I really have meant to do for, like, TWO years now, and suddenly its almost Christmas again and I have STILL not done it and 18. why don't I sew for Lucy as much as I used to? one day she'll be way too cool for mom-homemade, so I'm WASTING this window of opportunity and 19. oh gosh, her evaluation today. Is she going to always be shy like this? How will that affect her LIFE? Her self-WORTH? 20. Will she throw up tonight, since Quinn threw up last night? 21. I hope if she's gonna get sick, it's tonight, so we are not worrying about germs when Noah has his birthday party on Saturday 22. I have about 25 things I need to do for that party. Dang it. 23. Why am I still blogging? 24. I have a client minisession I have GOT to crank out tonight before I can even THINK of stepping away from the computer to work on party things and 25. I suck at everything.
This headspace is ...................well, it's exhausting, if not downright toxic.
Dear Facebook girl that never added me as a friend:
I hope you like me. But if you don't, I don't have any more space in this head for thinking about it, and it's not worth the energy anyway. It makes me feel like a doofus for worrying about it. And I am exhausted from the wave of BLAH that ensued. So I am putting it down here on "paper" and then setting it free and then I am going to get to work on that minisession and listen to some Alison Krauss and I am going to tell the inner critic to shut her face, maybe list 5 things I like about myself, then move along.
Dear Wave of Blah:
I got some skillz and I can push back. You can't have me tonight.
Em. Who might be a loon. And is definitely a doofus. But can never be accused of not being real, yo.
Posted by Emily S. at 10:20 PM