To begin with, enjoy this smattering of January cell phone photos, in no particular order.

 Next, I just got through, finally, to my two senators (McCaskill and Blunt) and the Kentucky Republican senator Rand and voiced my opinion on a couple of political issues I'm not in agreement with. I'm still shaking out my jitters. I am an extrovert by nature, and I am pretty comfortable speaking to strangers in general... but this was still totally intimidating. BUT I DID IT. And I intend to keep doing it until it feels totally comfortable. This is a season in our nation that I believe strongly requires actual, literal activism on my part. Not just an armchair opinion. So. Go me! (Still shaky.)

Today is Larkin's month-a-versary. I don't even want to say how old she is, because it cannot be so. I still haven't finished her newborn photos! I still haven't relished her tiny, sweet, new, early months enough! She cannot be one month away from baby food and beginning to sit up and sprout teeth. It's too soon, and I am not ready.

(Larkin at 12 days old)

I will be taking her month-milestone photos on her bird quilt a bit later, and hopefully post her blog update in a day or two. 

I'm already sick of the winter blahs. I am craving being outside, having real, uncanned air blowing through me, sun and vitamin D soaking into my depleted skin. I want to move and feel my muscles work and my lungs fill. I am craving pushing my kids out the doors and letting them get restless and bored enough while out there that they begin to come up with creative ideas to be entertained by the natural world around them. The other day, I googled "how to fight the winter blahs" and one suggestion had a phrase that has stuck with me--- "Make friends with the enemy"-- meaning, no matter how gross it is outside, be it freezing, wet, boiling hot, etc., find a way to get out there anyway and find some good in it. That phrase has stuck and I am trying to embrace it. Now I need to work on preparing my kids to embrace it too. I should just bundle them up like that kid in "A Christmas Story" and make them go outside anyway. Hm... something to work on. 

I accidentally was let go from Jamberry after three years, and it still kind of makes me feel sad, even though I was doing NOTHING to promote it to others or sell the product. I still use it myself all the time, and love it, and I think it's just my nostalgic, sentimental side that is feeling bummed that that era is over. ("let go" because in order to remain a consultant, you need to have a minimum of $600 a year in sales, which was always easy to do, until 2016 when I was just busy growing Larkin and keeping my head above water in my photography biz and parenting life... so... ) I have to ponder if it's worth the $99 to sign up again, if maybe I'd only be doing it to get that part of life back for nostalgia's sake. I dunno. 

I want: a fresh pedicure; to have a good solid three hours to sort and purge the toys in our basement; to have an easy way to fit a daily walk into my schedule; to have a place for all the random piles of "stuff" in my life; a haircut and color; to go see all the Oscar Best Picture nominated movies; someone to make yummy healthy dinners for me; good beef; to cross-stitch again; to sew a little again; to have a concrete way to help the Muslim population in my city; to have a girls' weekend with my OLW girls, stat; to be back in Hawaii (almost one whole year since I got to go there. I have photos! I should blog them! One year later! haha); to have a nap. 

Larkin is officially moving into her own room! Joe disassembled the old crib (which was a convertible crib and recalled anyway, and had the drop-down side broken beyond use right as we were switching it to a toddler daybed for Quinn) and the pieces of Larkin's sweet pale pink Jenny Lind crib have been moved in and and are awaiting assembly. I need to start thinking about actual fabric for her crib bedding. I have colors and scheme already planned, but need the actual fabric to make a crib sheet and ruffled bedskirt. I want to recover the glider cushions, so I need more fabric ideas for that. I have a canvas already printed of Larkin as a newborn in the ring of flowers, and I have an idea of a few prints/things I want for her walls.... So this is kind of exciting! A nursery! Finally, and one last time. ♥

Things that don't quite yet feel comfortable but feel inevitable: 1. I turn 40 this year. That is all I can say about that right now as it is still SO uncomfortable. I have some raw and tender thoughts about it I want to blog soon. 2. In the past several months (maybe a year or more?) I feel more active and concerned politically than I have in my entire life. I seek truth and I seek goodness and I seek ways to love and include and listen. It's weird. But it feels right. And good. 

I cannot thing of any more randomness for the moment. It's all good. I feel purged and blank-slate and ready for the week. And I am no longer still jittering from my phone calls. So ONWARD-- carpe diem. Time to see what to do next today. Peace to you all, and love, and .... and in spite of the dark and looming clouds of fear and dark WEIRDNESS that is enveloping our nation right now, I wish for you HOPE and remembering to list things you have to be grateful for. Gratitude is power. And it heals. So..... go be thankful, if you can. 

♥

Lucy Princess and Her Frog | St. Louis Children's Photographer

 Once upon a time......

But no, really-- once upon a time I found this GIANT green prince frog at Target as I was walking around with Joe. I don't think Lucy was even more than a baby at the time. And the frog was deeply discounted and just so silly and HUGE, and I had a sudden vision of my girl as a princess with this frog. So I bought him with the sole intention of doing a "princess and the frog" photo shoot with Lucy someday. 

Fast forward more than a few years:  I'd finally happened across a perfect dress and a sweet headband and I decided it was time. I talked it up to Lucy and she was cool with the plan. I waited til my boys were at my folks' house for their turn at summer "Grandparent Camp" so Lucy and I would have the house to ourselves. It was all going to be so perfect-- FUN and girly and a fulfillment of a vision I'd had long before. I even had one of my friends over to braid her hair since I'm not super great at french braiding.The scene was SET.

Except then Lucy decided right as I was ready to go that she didn't love this idea anymore. The dress was scratchy. She felt put on the spot. She didn't want to kiss a stuffed frog. 

Oh gosh. 

I just..... I mean.... really? Are you SURE, Lucy? I can't fake-cheerfully try to tell you why this is gonna be AWESOME and cute and FUN? *insert undercurrent of stressy mom-tographer frustration*

I took the dress back off of her and put a shirt and leggings on under it. Scratchiness minimized. I offered a whole list of possible bribes. I got her to at least sit in front of my camera. I tried to breathe deeply. And I tried to find that undercurrent of stress in myself and blow it away... tried to tap into a sincere empathy and understanding of my girl. Tried to find what it might take to help her lighten up and just.... participate a little, because she wanted to, and not just because I was begging.

 

 I tried to just talk to her.... To show her that I didn't need this to be precisely what I'd envisioned... that we could just hang out-- Lucy, the frog and I-- and maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I went inward and made myself let go of what I thought this shoot should've "looked like." I just took it slower and took photos of whatever was actually happening with her as we talked. 

 And even then, we still had some moments of reluctance and even a few more tears (she REALLY didn't want to kiss the frog. Oh, Lucy- but it's SO CUTE! And not even slimy!)... But I found myself drawn into her wide eyes, and her softer expressions as a result of her mood being a little melancholy. She was still the loveliest little princess, and I still loved these moments. 

 A little more talking through it, and we got our kiss. And it wasn't even terrible, right, Lucy? 

And finally, a real smile... my happy Lucy, right at the end. 

So even though it wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, we had a sweet, tender, learning experience in the less than 15-minute session we did here. I got to take photos in spite of her mood, and she got to have a mama who worked at relaxing the control and stress, and we both ended with smiles. And then we promptly ditched that dress and got her back into play clothes and had a great rest of the day-- some art-making, some "Magic School Bus" watching, and even a trip to the swimming pool together in the afternoon, just being mermaids together. (I told you this was once upon a time... back in August, to be precise!!)

I hope as the years go by, my kids appreciate the photos... but also remember that sometimes I succeeded at turning off the "photographer bossy stress face" and remembered to just try to listen and talk and laugh a little as we did our photos together. 

♥