{I cannot believe I've never made one of these for Lucy before. What fun to go through five years and compile her photos from month one til now (give or take a few months)... She really is a #luluface, and my goodness, I'm biased, but she's gorgeous, inside and out.}

From April 12, 2011 to today, five years later, she has been my love, my muse, and my joy (most of the time.)She is complex, emotional, and has a rich inner world that she's just now able to really express to me. She makes up her own songs and sings them with unself-conscious abandon (until I pull out a camera). She giggles *so* much more than she cries (finally!). She loves critters and animals far more than dolls, and adores dress ups and costume personas. (See above, her last photo-- that is HER. My bunny, my sweet smiling costumed girl.) 

She is a recent new devotee of drawing, and I LOVE to see how she is able to make her vision a reality so far-- simple but clever line drawings of dinosaurs and storm clouds and  happy girls... I like to hope that there will be pages and pages of her drawings in the future, and that she'll continue to find joy in expressing herself that way. She's getting better and better at being in a group of peers, and I really think she's going to be ready for kindergarten next fall. As shocking as it seems to me that it's nearly time for that, I am almost ready to believe she'll be great when the time comes. 

She's so excited to have a sister coming (did you see me announce that on FB/IG? We're having another GIRL!! *squee!*) and talks about her all the time... always thinking about the actual logistics of bringing our baby girl into our life.... "Mommy-- we need a new car!" or "where will she sleep?", etc. etc. It's so neat to see her so excited and invested in this baby girl. 

I am so lucky to be Lucy's mama. I love her so very much. She is complicated and intense and deep and still so mysterious to me in so many ways... But I trust her. And I trust God that He knew what he was doing when he placed her in my stewardship. I trust that she will teach me FAR more than I could ever teach her. And I am so grateful for her light and her joy and her own way of living life---she is a perfect part of our family and I cannot wait to see how much more she will grow in the next 12 months. My sweet Lucy girl. 

♥

Flowers For Her Hair: Flashback to Last Summer

Last summer, we spent several days in our little found "meadow", a public green space set aside for one of those drainage valleys/tunnels for a neighborhood. (I'm not sure how else to describe these green spaces? I don't remember them from my childhood, but I see them a lot out here in West County.) 

I had made the rookie mistake of enrolling Noah in two summer enrichment classes that were only one hour each, and instead of being back-to-back on ONE week, they were each in their own week. So I realized that first day of dropping him off that I'd have less than 45 minutes to really DO anything with my two other kiddos, that driving home and back would take more time than it was worth, and that hanging around the CCL school for that hour would be equally useless and maddening...   So we were left to improvise a plan. Wer drove around that first day and ended up finding this green space within 2-3 miles of Noah's summer school. It had not been mowed in over a week and was completely blanketed in clover blossoms. Crab apple trees were interpersed with little evergreen trees, and there was abundant shade, and room to run. In short, it looked like a magical meadow, something from a storybook. And so we stopped and parked and began two weeks of daily visits to this lovely, quiet, wonderful place. 

On one of our last regular days there, I brought two flower garlands I had just purchased and brought my big camera, to capture some photos of Lucy, a way to commemorate our time there. I'm so in love with these photos, both the more formal ones and the ones that just show her being free and wild and happy in our meadow. 

So, even though this is now almost a year later, perhaps these photos will be a springy/summery breath of joy for you, as they always are for me to look at. ♥

In the weeks and months that have followed our initial two blissful weeks of going to the meadow, we have made the effort to get back there several times... We've now been to this place in the fall, the winter, and just a couple of weeks ago, we had our first spring visit. We've brought Noah twice, and Joe has been with us once. And now I have the happy news that Noah's summer school this year is actually going to be held at the school that is literally FEET away from this place, so even closer than the 2-3 miles from last year. We are so ready to get back there this summer. 

♥

 

Who's Still Letting Me Carry This Adult Card Over Here???

Just today, I:

• Wore my pajamas and no bra to Lucy's preschool dropoff. 
• With three-day unwashed hair in a bandanna, not even put into "hide-the-scary" little ponytails. Just barely-contained Medusa tentacles under a raggedy old bandana. 
•  Slumped into the soft, dangerous corner of my couch under a quilt and put on three (or was it four) DVR'ed PBS cartoons in succession for Quinn while I fell asleep, not ready to face the grey rain and the work and the sheer HARDNESS of life today.  
• Finally opened a Nelnet student loan financial statement from my stack of mail, to see what they were hounding me about, since I'd let probably three months' worth of their mail come and then go straight into the "to file" stack without looking at them. CLASSIC avoidance. 
• Ate two Samoas for my mandated diabetes snacktime instead of something with health value to it. 
• Sorted a pile of mail that included requests for property tax to be paid, a car to be registered, and some Noah appendicitis medical bills to be settled. All from at least two months ago. 
• And still didn't actually DO any of those things they are requesting of me.
• Let the kids play iPad games after Lucy's preschool pickup so I could have a silent-scream emotional breakdown about all things financial. 
• Finally ordered three client books that were from sessions IN THE FALL, because once pregnancy hit at the end of December, I've been pretty dang worthless with major projects and deadlines in general. 
• Felt more than a few waves of irrational, hormonal anxiety wash over me over the well-being of this 18-weeker in my tummy, letting the anxiety overtake everything else. 
• Ate more jelly beans than my carb allowance permitted, because I was on hold with a billing company and stressing about it. 
• Walked past at least 6 long-term piles of STUFF, multiple times, that just need to get handled for gosh' sakes, but are easier to continue to walk past. 

You guys. This is just today.

And yes, I am coming at this from the flawed perspective of a very hormonal, more-than-slightly-irrational pregnant lady... But still. COME ON. How am I 38 and still so bad at so many things? How are people still trusting me to be an ADULT for so many things? I CANNOT GET MY SH*T TOGETHER. At all. Ever.

I am really just a mess, trying to fake my way through adulthood.

 I am good at: Artistic things. People skills. Singing in harmony. Sleeping. Making sweets. I think that's probably it.

But other than that.... I am really just a big, HUGE mess.

Usually, I can take that and run with it in a positive direction--- focus on all the ways my strengths help make the world a (better? well at least a PRETTIER) place. Focus on how we are all making progress even when it doesn't feel like it. Focus on how maybe me being a mess is a good thing to share with others to help them feel less alone... 

But I'm just not there today. Not in the "how can I learn from this? How can I look at it in a better light?" place. I'll get there. Or I'll have a really really excellent day soon and this haunting, yucky feeling of being SO BAD at SO MUCH will fade to just a tiny hum in the background again. 

At least until the tax man comes knocking, or I get pulled over for expired plates. 

Because I'm overdue for both of those. 

Ha. 

*sob*

So here, guys--- take my Adult Card. Someone come make me a sandwich and rub my back and make it so that I don't owe money anywhere and someone help me figure out how to just do fun, creative things  and not have to keep the plates spinning otherwise. Help my kids only be cute and snuggly, saying only funny clever things, and help me to just be free from my own stifling expectations finally. I'll make you a cake if you can do these things for me. Cakes, I can do. 

Adulting, I cannot.