I Need a Hug

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I need a hug. I was supposed to finish editing a session tonight, and instead did a million other things, and that session isn't editing itself. 

I need a hug. Quinn is teething and waking more than usual, but nursing LESS than usual, and it's just all-around not-so-smooth around here. 

I need a hug. I worry sometimes that Noah's time with me is slipping away and I've not been enough of a mama to him-- not nurtured his individuality or taught him enough songs or allowed him to believe in make-believe enough before he goes off and grows up on me. 

I need a hug. I wonder if I'm being my truest self. Or if I am living so deeply in my unnecessary minutia of life that I'm missing the POINT of life.

I need a hug. As much as I try to march to the beat of my own drummer, I sometimes get caught up in the waves of the world and let myself feel not good enough, not ENOUGH.... Wishing for more recognition, or more success, or more "new things", more more more.

I need a hug. I'm trying to keep my photography workload manageable, so I'm having to turn client inquiries away, and that is always a scary leap of faith--- hoping that the Lord will see that I'm trying to keep balance so that I'm a better mama here at home, so He will be willing to send more clients my way when the timing is better... I want to trust I'm not burning bridges by saying "no" more than usual. 

I need a hug. I feel tired and deflated tonight in general... just a snowballing "ennui" from answering emails and feeling behind and bouncing around social media and skimming through other's sad stories just enough to scoop up some of the sadness or worry from them, but not enough to actually be deeply committed and useful to those stories. Just feeling LESS THAN.

I need a hug. And a nap. And several good nights' sleep in a row. And to take a hot bath and some deep breaths and get back to work afresh. 

That's all I have to say about that tonight.


  1. You said it best. You need sleep.. When you are tired everything else is magnified, both good and bad. Maybe your Mom can return your favor of being the cupcake queen and come over so you can catch up on your sleep. Dont beat yourself up. You will be surprised at what your kids remember from growing up. They will remember the fun things you did not the fact that you were frazzled. Take care of yourself. Wish I lived close I would come give you a break.

  2. I agree - sleep. That's what you need. I find I doubt myself the most about the decisions I'm making for Max when I'm tired. Consider this an internet hug and an ego boost as I think you are the best mom to those kids. I read your blog and envy the time you get with them - read about what you do for them and how much you love them. You are doing it all right - Noah is such a wonderful boy. Several months ago when I picked up Max's 4 month photos and he was playing so imaginatively at the table all I could think was "How do I guide Max to be like that?" "How did she raise such an amazing little man?" You inspire me and I'm sure others around you.

  3. {hugs}and lot of them {hugs}

  4. {{{{HUG}}}}. Wish I was close enough to give you a real one...even though my big belly would get in the way. XOXOXO

  5. Just adding my hugs. And wishing we were closer, too.

  6. By now this post is old news, but hopefully you'll see this comment anyway - I just wanted to tell you that talking to you yesterday was like a hug that I needed then (even Alex noticed), so thank you for that and I hope that things in general are looking a bit brighter today.

    Love you, sis...


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