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A dear friend asked me the following question via email... And a lot of the reply I wrote her really goes along with the posts I've been posting here as I work on getting back to my "happy place". So I thought I'd share. Consider it another "freewrite" or journaling exercise... :)
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"Do you ever feel like, in order to do all of the crap you are supposed to do to keep yourself healthy, you have to sacrifice things (like family time) that you really can't stand to sacrifice?"LORDY this is such a timely question. Truly.
Last Wednesday I had an evening of self-pity/frustration with others/exhaustion from being stressed, and at the end, even after a long, fruitful talk with my sister Beckie, I was just..... OVER it. The key problem I kept circling back around to, all week? (including my whiny blog post)--
balance. How to manage to do the fundamentals (eating right, sleeping enough, exercise, prayer, scriptures, temple, date night,
FHE) and still juggle this insane life... And I've been feeling like I'm beating against a wall as I try to find the answer... And I've been feeling really sorry for myself when I can't get it right.
So after my night of wallowing, despairing, frustrating, tiptoeing up to the answer I needed, but then stepping back to complain some more, I finally stopped crying and headed to bed and pulled that massive Oprah book Genny sent me onto my lap. I know,
Oprah.
Cheezy, but DANG her magazine has some amazing stuff in it, and the book compiles the best in one book... So I opened it and just happened to open in on the happiness section. Read all three articles... and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Martha Beck, in particular, wrote an amazing article:
"Yes, It Was Awful--Now Please Shut Up" ... and it was perfect. The answer I've been tiptoeing around is that there IS no ideal. I have GOT to stop wishing for a "normal" that simply isn't going to happen, ever. THIS is my life. Today. Stress, imbalance, and all. So I need to MAKE joyful things happen, even in the middle of the storm. Which sucks. But it is what it is. So if I am going to sew a project, I cannot wait for a free week. I just.... need to push the world away for two hours and sew it. And be careful not to do that too often and upset the precarious balance of things. Just.... trust that if I allow myself the time to pray... to go for a
brisk walk, to make a crafty or gift, that the universe will absorb the shock and all will be well in spite of my taking time away from the frenzy to do so.
The other half of the epiphany is from the article-- that to a point, indulging in complaining and self-pity has been very comforting... and I've had a free pass to do it in spades since miscarrying. But. Eventually, all that self-wallowing stops being comforting and simply starts bringing me around to the gross feelings I had already been having. Keeping me down. And basically, it is time to SNAP OUT OF IT. Get over it. And re-train myself to skew my view to the positive. I used to be SO good at it... at being grateful, at seeing the miraculous in the ordinary... And I have lost that ability more and more as I feel sorry for myself. And so it's time to stretch the gratitude muscle again and see where it gets me.
So those two things: Making myself do the "extras" (which are really the essentials) in spite of my hectic life, and "shutting up" about the crap for a while.
And I practiced yesterday... and ya know what? It was a great day. So I'm going to try it again today.
Which isn't to say I went and worked out. But for the first time in weeks, I DID consider it.
LOL!
So, not to keep going on and on about MY journey... But I guess what I'm getting at by sharing it is that the dilemma-- the "how do I manage to do the good stuff without losing other stuff??" is a poignant, immediate issue in my life and, I suspect, in many others' lives as well. I
REALLLLY understand how it feels to have complete bafflement as to how to resolve that dilemma. The bottom line, for me, is that I'm NOT going to be able to resolve it. I am just going to have to force it a bit. Which stinks. But... It'll do, for now.
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And a report, a week after writing this? I am happy to say, my efforts to be POSITIVE and stop whining have been largely successful. I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Tomorrow is Sunday... my day of rest from work and the world, and I am so ready to go to church and sing and learn... So happy I get a day with my little family... And ready to take on the new week, with new plans in place and a refreshed attitude. I am feeling good, folks!
Coming up, a photo-report of the surprise camping trip I gave Joe for his birthday... A few fun sessions to share... maybe even a crafty pic or two. Good times ahead! Life is good!
Yes, I still remember to take photos of my own kiddo. Never mind they sometimes sit a bit longer without editing... They still make me smile when I finally get to them. Seriously, HOW cute is my kid?!