9.20.22

I decided to listen to Beethoven's 9th, 4th movement, for my morning walk. I'd just read a little essay titled "Come Back Joy" from Rachel Macy Stafford and I decided to treat myself to the Ode to Joy, knowing it was a personally potent antidote for low moods. It started out rocky-- I didn't immediately find the full movement in Apple music and that was annoying, so I had to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to carefully plug in the precise terms, "Beethoven Symphony No. 9, movement IV" to get what I needed. But once I was back on track, and listening to all 25 minutes of goodness, it was a powerful as ever, even in the too-sunny, too-hot morning. I mouthed along to the German words I still remembered, let tears leak out in the places they needed to, and even allowed my hands to conduct the last 45 seconds or so, because you just HAVE to. It's Robert Fulghum's fault. Oatmeal Days and all that. 

So... Essay. Walk. Ode to Joy. Tears and tiny conducting movements.... Yeah. It's all working. This warm fuzzy feeling in my chest confirms it. 

9.22.22

This morning, when I put in my earbuds, I accidentally tapped "play" on them and Mumford and Son's "Not With Haste" started playing. YES. I opened the music app and had it create a station based on the song, so I was also treated to Dave Matthew's "Crash" and "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers. It all fit so well with the new chill in the air and the fallish breezes I was gifted with for my entire walk. I saw a holly bush with plump clusters of berries starting to color up. I passed the most perfect nook of a neighborhood where impatiens were spilling out of ever possible spot and crevice. One dog barked in a faux-watchdog way but her mama said she was harmless. Another dog gave me a friendly look. A little baby-kid on the playground and his mom both waved at me. It was 61 degrees and it was so perfect. 

9.27.22

I will always associate this date with Bonnie Fairbanks, my first best friend ever, because it's her birthday. And tomorrow is another of my early-years best friend's birthday, Emily Whitman. Brains are weird. The temperature for my walk this morning was 57-ish degrees and I LOVED it. I spent today's walk listening to the last 35 minutes of my audiobook, "Becoming", by Nora Roberts. It's the second in a trilogy, but the third one isn't coming out til November, so now I have to try to retain all the details of what I've been listening to all month so I don't feel lost come November. It has been a perfect set of books to walk along to... a fantasy world with modern aspects, very Nora Roberts in that it delves a lot into the main character's inner world and growth, and the external "adventure" aspects are good fun, but not terribly complex. Overall a pretty simple set of stories, but good fun to escape into. Guess I'll need to find an interim book until that November release. 

 

10.4.22

Kids were home yesterday for a teacher workday, so today is my "Monday"-- the fresh start to a new week. I relish the solitude in the morning, when the day is ripe with potential and the sun is fresh and bright. Today I drove to a nearby neighborhood to take my walk in a new setting. This was the neighborhood I used to drive to to take Lucy to her first preschool, a home preschool by Tassa B. That was such a sweet time for Lucy and for me. Our Parents as Teachers educator lived in this neighborhood, too. Probably still does? I hoped, more than a little, that I might run into her taking her own walk on the same streets today, because I remember she used to take her dog around her neighborhood all the time. Alas, no sightings today. But I got 2.2 miles in and opted to not check my progress at all until I was done, jst letting the streets and my audiobook lead the way. I am 89% done with Pet Sematary, and it is smack in the middle of the climactic last bits, and it's chilling and gripping and so so well-written. I have thoroughly enjoyed this audiobook experience!

10.11.22

I had my first chance to hold to my promise to myself that I would take a daily walk no matter what the weather. This morning it is rainy rainy rainy. Temps aren't bad--- high 50's-- and it's not pouring buckets... It's just a steady light-to-medium rain. So I put on one of Joe's baseball caps, grabbed my new workout jacket, and headed out. I decided to try to get to my goal-- 30 minutes-- but not push further than that. With the exception of a handful of minutes where the rain got heavier and I paused under a tree, it was generally pretty easy and pleasant. By the last quarter of my walk the brim of the hat was dripping, and my long-sleeved arms were sort of chilly from the damp. But I did it! And I would do it again-- no big deal! Upon reaching home, I made sure to stuff my slightly-damp shoes with newspaper so they're ready and dry for tomorrow. And I needed to change out of everything, including the underthings, because it was all dampish. And that is the report of my first rain-walk. 1.8 miles and feeling great!

I'm Sad That:

 

 

Years ago, when I was reading a lot of S.A.R.K. books (I still love that crazy gal!), I came across an exercise she talked about frequently doing in her journals called "I Want". Basically, you sit with blank paper and pen (or colorful markers if you wanna be like SARK), and just open up your heart and imagination and let yourself scribble down what you WANT... Anything from immediate needs like "a snack" or "a hug" to wild imaginings like "an apartment in Rome" or "gossamer wings". You just let go and write. I love this exercise and I've done several of these lists of my own over the years, including more than a few here on the blog. I will always write these lists, I suspect. They are such a good place to center your heart, to check in with yourself, to dream a little, and to be a kid again. 

Well, the other day I was taking my daily walk, and I was feeling all kinds of feelings, and they were generally wistful and melancholy, and I was letting the walk absorb these waves of feelings... breathing deeply and looking for signs of autumn color... when I saw a group of boys ride by me on their bikes, caught up in the beautiful weekend morning sunshine. And a thought came to me so sharply: I am sad that my kids never became bike riders-- not in the way these boys were...riding bikes in a gang and having the ultimate freedom to roam neighborhoods and fly down hills. And this one distinct thought, a palpable expression of my sadness, became the first item on a new sort of list. Instead of a whole stack of "I Want"s.... I pulled out my phone and began a list of "I'm Sad That..."

Maybe it's not the same kind of healthy exercise that the "I Want" list is... But maybe it kind of is? Either way, it became a tender catharsis of the feelings that had been building up all morning, and it felt good and right to let them live on "paper"... to take them out and examine them a little bit in the light of day. The more I walked, and let myself feel, the more of these little thoughts would drift in and I'd add them to my list. It wasn't a deluge of bitter thoughts... just one thought here, then a few minutes later another.... Just little hurts that rose up as I was already feeling raw and open. Ultimately, I ran out of items to add, and I ended my walk by listening to a gorgeous song my friend Micah sent me the day before, Brandi Carlile's "This Time Tomorrow (In The Canyon Haze)". I'd never heard it before, and it was perfect--finally breaking open that buildup of moodiness in me-- and I cried as I stood by my parked car. A good cry. A cleansing wave. 

And then my car wouldn't start and real life crowded back in, and that was that. Isn't that just like life? Ha.

Anyway... I don't know if it's too personal to actually post my list, but it's my blogjournal, so I'm gonna do what I want. Only 5 people are reading this, anyway, and you are all people I love, and I know you know me well... We've probably talked about a few of these in person anyway!

So it's cool. Here we go.

I’m sad that:

• My kids don’t ride bikes
• I don’t have a big lovely front porch to put chairs on and decorate for seasons and sit on in the evenings
• We can’t afford a new car
• Joe is trying so hard to repair the dryer and dishwasher and they are still not quite there
• Joe is going out of town twice this month
• Friendships fade
• Noah is aging out of trick or treating 
• I don’t play the banjo anymore
• I can’t have a carb free-for-all anymore
• The pumpkin patch costs so much to visit!!
• We can’t keep things close forever
• I left my wireless earbuds at home today
• The sun is already setting too soon
• Instagram took the sound off of some of my reels
• They keep growing up
• Quinn’s betta fish kept dying
• I’m crabby when I’m hot
• Cross country didn’t “take” for Noah
• I never put Lucy in dance class or something like it
• I don’t think my kids have a “bestie” or tribe
• I have so much “stuff”
• I’m not good at gardening/yard work
  

See? Nothing earth-shattering.... Just little wishes and teeny regrets. Honestly, it's kind of nice to know that there's not anything really devastating on there. It speaks to a life that is mostly so very blessed. It's okay. And I'm okay. 

*

Blogs Are For Photos, Too

When I was actually blogging on the regular, photos were a massive part of that activity. This was a place to let the photos tell the story as much as the words. I don't know how much I still have in me to take and prep photos for this purpose.... I'm not even being as post-y on Instagram and Facebook recently... (Maybe that's something I need to dig into and think about. The "why"....)

But today is Friday, and even if you haven't seen a post-a-day, I HAVE sat down to type a little every day, and today felt like maybe we could do more photos than words, kind of an easing into the weekend.

So in keeping with the overall slowdown of my blogging and posting, etc., I've also dropped down to a place where I almost NEVER take "everyday" photos with my real camera. The very capable and VERY convenient iPhone 12ProMax does the bulk of the work these days. And that's okay. Except that those photos aren't on my desktop computer, so it's not as easy as you'd think to just grab the week's photos and drop them in a blog post. It takes PLANNING. And waiting for things to upload, download, etc. 

But even if I was still taking lots of Big Camera photos and uploading them to this computer, there's still the endless dilemma of getting them over to Lightroom to cull them and edit them before they're ready for sharing. 

 It's honestly kid of a lose-lose, at least in this passive blogging mindset I'm in right now. I need to think this whole thing through and decide what I want out of this blogging act. For the moment, I just wanted to get my rusty fingers typing again. But maybe I'll eventually want to get my rusty photo-posting to warm back up too. I dunno.

What you are getting, therefore, is a very cute set of photos from spring, the last time I consciously took out my big camera to take photos of each of my kids individually and all together.  I actually already have plans to do a new set of these this weekend, a Fall Edition, so it might be fun to see these now, and then compare them to the new ones I will get in the next few days. But for now.... here's what I have for you:

 

LARKIN, age 5.5

 

 

 

QUINN, age 9

 

LUCY, age 11

 

NOAH (and Fiona), age 14.5

 The Whole Gang

 

That's it. I got some typing in, I gave y'all some photos.... It's officially the weekend as far as this blog is concerned. Byeeeee!!

Q&A: If Money and Time Were No Object, Where is One Place On Earth You Would Love to Visit?

 Q:  If money and time were no object, where is one place on earth you would love to visit? Why are you intrigued by that place?

My first answer to this is always Italy. I blame "Return to Me" for this yearning in me, to immerse myself in an Italian city, to spend a good long time there, time enough to get to know the good bakeries and shops, time enough to have a sizable set of Italian phrases I might use without trying too hard. 

If you don't remember "Return to Me", the heroine of the film was born with a heart condition that made most of her life a sickly, homebound one. She was an artist who would make her art right there in her own backyard, but who yearned to one day get to Italy to study the masters and to grow her talent in the old world. Eventually, after a heart transplant, she makes it there, and the cinematography is exquisite-- shots of the most idyllic cobbled streets, nuns on bikes, abundant pots and window boxes of flowers. Sunshine. Old stone. Tile floors. Balconies. HEAVEN. 

So yes-- if money and time were no object, I would take my family and spend a year in Rome. I would find an apartment with a balcony or two, and we would spend the year exploring, learning, practicing art and music (no need to be GOOD at either... just to show up to do both.)... and trying new foods and learning new words. We could take small trips around the country to visit Pompeii, Florence, Lake Como, Pisa, and of course Venice. I would take a million photos. Maybe even offer my services as a family photographer while there... so other tourists (and locals if they deigned) could have amazing images of their families in these beautiful streets. 

I've already been to Italy. Joe and I saved up to go back in 2006, when we were still basically newlyweds, and it was a glorious trip. But having been there once doesn't dull the edge of my desire to be there again. If I could go anywhere on Earth, the answer would still be Italy. 

What about you, five readers of this blog post? I want to hear your answer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

CRAB.

 I don't have photos for you. I thought about trying to upload some for a tiny second, then I thought about maybe going and TAKING a few, and then I just.... closed the photo window and cam back here. Sorry. No photos. I just can't even. 

This whole last week has been a MASSIVE 

CAN'T EVEN. 

I tested positive for Covid last Tuesday. So awesome. I'd had a raspy voice the day before, and I'd gotten an email for my choir warning that there had been several reported positive cases from our practice the week prior, so the combo of those two clues led me to test, just in case. And even though I really didn't expect it to actually be Covid, it was.

It's not my first go-round. After successfully avoiding the damned thing for all of 2020 and 2021, our whole family got it in January this year. It ended up being pretty perfectly timed-- it happened AFTER my trip to NYC and BEFORE our trip to Hawaii, so neither trip had to be cancelled. And the Covid we all got was verrrry mild. More of a nuisance than anything. 

So this time around, I kind of knew what to expect, and the only upside to this past week's bout of Covid was that it was as mild as last time. I lost my voice, but didn't have a sore throat. I had a headache but no fever. I sometimes sneezed, and sometimes had a drippy nose, but no real congestion. And here at the end of it, I have a tiny, annoying, occasional dry cough. Nothing major. Nothing debilitating. I'm not even profoundly fatigued like many had reported feeling at the end of their round of Covid. So ultimately, the issue with this whole past week has been the DISRUPTION of life. The worrying about who else was going to get it in my family (spoiler: NO ONE ELSE HAS GOTTEN IT. Whaaa??). And the waiting til I was cleared to get back to life again. 

 Don't get me wrong-- it was pretty nice to clock out of most of the adulting I normally have to do, and the self-inflicted to-do list always running in my head. I loved getting to take random naps just because. I loved having an excuse to let my kids just buy their lunches all week instead of making lunches at home. It felt great to just.... STOP. Stop lots of things.

But also... there was a steady undercurrent of CRABBINESS the entire week. I actually was already feeling irritable the day before I got the positive test. Getting that Covid diagnosis just gave my crabbiness an excuse to stick around. And here we are, a full week later, and I'm still just.....

Annoyed. 

At things. At people. At myself. At piles of stuff. At the STUPID INCREASE IN TEMPERATURE back to the 90's this week (gosh I HATE being hot.). At anything anyone requests of me. At my hair. At dishes and crumbs. At my bra. 

I think the scowl on my face is fossilizing into something permanent. 

Last night as I took a stupid walk in the stupid humidity after the sun went down, I thought to check my period tracking app, and sure enough--- I'm 7 days out from my next period. So I guess some of this is PMS. But I think it's a combo of all of it: being sick. Being inconvenienced, restless, and worried from being sick. And now being hormonal and MUGGY HOT on top of it all. 

So yeah. I can't even. 

Hopefully I'm nearing the end of this crabfest..... Because it is not my natural state of being and I'm worn out from it. 

Okay bye.

A Random List Of Things From Way Back When

me, first grade

  

1. When I was in 6th grade, I got a whole cookie jar of Hershey Kisses as a birthday gift from a friend, with a custom cross-stitched Hershey Kiss lid. It felt like the biggest jackpot. 

2. We used to live down the street from two old, unfenced, informal country road cemeteries. One was more visible and obvious, on a grassy hill. The other was smaller, tucked further back, and among old, tall trees. We used to go to them regularly and play among the tombstones.

3. I learned about New Kids on the Block from Becca Stock when we were Volunteens at Boone Hospital the summer before 7th grade. She was already obsessed and brought me into the fold quite reality. That summer as a Volunteen has a whole set of memories that are coming up as I type this... the break room, the cafeteria, the candy cart, the gift shop, teen magazines, deciding to be locker partners for the next year... there was a whole FEEL to it that is washing over me as I remember.

4. For a while, we had a "library" in our house. A whole room dedicated to bookshelves and books. We were in a pretty humble home, living a pretty humble life, so it always felt so FANCY to have a DEDICATED LIBRARY. I'm not sure how long we kept the room that way, but it couldn't have been long, since there were lots of us and we could use the room for an actual bedroom. Funny-- my parents are back to having a library room again, all these years later. 

5. I got a little toy gumball machine as a birthday gift when I was somewhere between 7-10 years old. It was a bank, so you had to put coins in to get the gumballs, and I was charmed by this for the first little while. But I was an impatient and greedy little girl, and I tired of the "rules" (and probably ran out of coins?) and I wanted MORE GUM, so when no one was looking, I threw the thing onto the ground out in my backyard to break it open. It worked, and for a split second I felt victorious... but almost immediately felt profound remorse and shame at the act. I don't even remember gathering the gumballs up... I just remember how it felt to regret such a dumb decision. 

6. My first grade teacher was Carol Crego, and she was a total gem of a woman. She was close to grandma-age when she taught me, and she had grown children and three cats. She was the most lovable human to all her little students. So it made complete sense to me during summer break, when it was almost my birthday, to invite her to my birthday party. She politely declined-- I'm sure she knew it would a little weird to be the one grownup guest among a bunch of 6-year-old kids-- but she got permission from my parents to take me to McDonalds for lunch on a different day to celebrate my birthday, and she brought me a small teddy bear wearing a yellow rubber crown who I named Mrs. Crego. Such a special thing for her to do for the student that lovingly, innocently invited her to a child's birthday party. 

7. One time when I was somewhere between the ages of 10-12, I accidentally broke a glass thermometer and when I was cleaning the mess up, I was able to "capture" and save the ball of mercury. I was FASCINATED and put the glob of it on a handheld mirror I had and played with the mercury for hours--- splitting it, watching it bead back together, skittering across the mirror, stopped only by the plastic edges of the frame of the mirror.  I think I finally lost it when I tilted the mirror too far and it slid all the way off and under my bed somewhere among the dust bunnies. 

8. I was art rivals with Chris Dietz in 3rd grade. We both wanted to be the best draw-er in class and we competed endlessly with each other. I learned to draw Garfield during this rivalry as one way to try to best him. He and I also entered more than one poster contest that year in our quest to prove our superiority to each other. I couldn't tell you, ultimately, who was better. Probably it was a tie. 

9. Hello to Elise, the best kids sister, who somehow still  keeps up with blogs and has NOTICED that I'm blogging again. WOW! 

me, third grade

Now We Are Six: Larkin Clementine

 

 Now We Are Six

 

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five, 

I was just alive.
But now I am Six, 

I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now 

for ever and ever. 

 

A.A. Milne

 

*

 

My baby, as clever as clever, is blossoming into a big kid, and it's amazing to watch. Of course there is a tender spot in my heart right now remembering all the baby magic, all the toddler shenanigans, every incredible, darling, sweet piece of her from her birth day til today....

But it's worth that natsukashii to keep having the gift of watching her grow day after day. It's worth the missing of the younger years to get to have the older years with her. 

Larkin is magic. Always has been. Always will be. And my life is richer because she is my daughter. 

Have a BEAUTIFUL 6th year, my love!

*

 

Back To School 2022-23

 

 

 It's the last day of their first week back to school, and I KNOW they are wiped out. But man... they've really done okay!! With three of my four kids entering a brand new school this year, there is a lot of extra burden on them to get comfortable, familiar, and confident in their new normal... and they're doing it! 

Noah, first-time high schooler, has a rigorous daily schedule-- beginning with his first year of early morning seminary (6:00am-6:50am), ending with hot, hard workout in cross-country practice every afternoon (3:30-5:00pm), and all honors classes in between. He has all the potential he needs to succeed, but he's going to need a lot of love and support and encouragement to keep going when it gets hard. And it WILL get hard. He's amazing, though, and I think this is going to be an important year for him on his journey to adulthood. I cannot wait to see how this shapes him-- every part of it!

Lucy, first-time middle-schooler, has to fight a deep and omnipresent anxiety as she learns how to do school in this new, class-to-class way. She and I did a lot of prep work to get her ready-- walking her schedule, practicing her lock, talking about ways she can cope with difficult moments, places and people she can go to if it threatens to overwhelm her entirely. She has a team of helpers I feel so confident in and grateful for-- her school counselor, her 6th grade Blue hall teachers, and especially her special education teachers. She has a caseworker/mentor who she gets to go work with every afternoon for the last 10 minutes of the day, as a way to wrap up the day and double-check her planner, compile her needed papers and assignments, and just check in with as to how the day has gone. This is AMAZING on so many levels. It helps corral her ADHD, gives her an anchor for her anxiety, and teaches her executive functioning skills that will serve her forever. And this teacher is SO nurturing-- just what Lucy needs in this more fast-paced new school environment. And at the end of this first week, while there have been a couple of hiccups and some tears, I would say that 85% of it has been very positive and successful. Lucy is going to get the hang of this and she is going to do so well. I believe in her! 

Quinn is somehow a FOURTH grader, and the only kiddo who gets to return to the same school he knows and loves. He is going to have such a good year. He is so smart, so consistent, and so good-natured. I feel like I don't give him enough credit. Last year he almost never brought anything home, so I didn't really think about what he was working on-- I just trusted his teacher and saw that he was thriving and growing, an that was enough. Earlier this week, though, I finally went through my big box of piled-up schoolwork they all brought home at the end of the school year last spring, and Quin had SO MUCH work in that stack. It was like seeing an entire year's worth of knowledge, effort and growth in one day. I suddenly realized just how much hard work he was doing every day in that classroom. Steady. Strong. Smart. I'm so grateful for that accidental insight. I feel like I have a better picture of who this kid is, and I know he will just keep getting wiser and more dedicated throughout this 4th grade year. 

Larkin, feisty new kindergartner, has been ready for this for YEARS. Watching her siblings get on the bus without her, year after year, she is SO HAPPY it's finally her turn. She had an incredible year last year in preschool, and her sweet teacher said that if she could have a Larkin in her class every year, she'd never retire. Larkin is smart, kind, aware, excited, and creative, and all of this will serve her so well in kindergarten as she expands what she already knows. Music and art, library and PE, on top of all the cool things she'll do in her classroom... This kid is going to thrive!!! 

And me? Okay, I miss having them around. A little. I definitely miss having a buddy to spend the day with and to keep me company on errands. But. I AM LOVING THIS NEW LIFE SO MUCH HOLY COW. Just now as I've been typing this, I have earbuds in and I'm listening to the most beautiful classical and choral music, and I'm just singing along, adding random harmonies.... loud as I want to.... No one to interrupt or for whom I should have at least one ear available to listen for in case of problems or food requests, etc. I am writing a BLOG POST, for pete's sake. I just took a 1+ mile walk with an audiobook to keep me company. I have a backlog of projects I am finally beginning. I did a newborn session during the week and didn't even need to think about babysitters. I can tackle work emails during the day. I'm going to go have lunchdates with sisters and friends now and then. I feel my well filling and it feels incredible. 

So yes. New year. VERY new experiences for most of us. And so much opportunity ahead for all of us. I feel ready for what lies ahead. here we go!

Brain Dump July 2022

 

It's late on a Tuesday night and I find myself with a restless general anxiety in my stomach... a strange hunger for growth suddenly... an uncomfortable sense of things I should begin doing, small habits I've not been doing for a long time. I'm not sure why now, why here... But I'm sitting with it. I'm googling ideas. I'm jotting notes down as they fly into my head, a stack of red post-its in front of me with lists of photo clients, website templates, business growth ideas...

While this weird energy is mostly work-related tonight, it is reopening up thoughts about my life as a whole and what I want to work on when my youngest heads to kindergarten in the fall. I have so many ideas and plans and hopes for that coming day-- a new era in my life after 14 years of having at least one child at home with me. 

Forgive the randomness of the following list... there is no focus, there is no order. It's just a set of things that I'm jotting down here so I can settle them down and not carry them to bed with me.

*

I want to practice intentional screen-free time, to see what happens. In my head. In my home. In my heart. I don't know how this will look... if it will be daily for a set time each day, or once a week for a whole day... I don't know. I just know I want to try. I want to clear the noise and invite disquiet and restlessness to see what happens after it. 

I want to write. Not anything formal or themed... I just want to sit down and let words out again, in an open-ended way. Losing the blogging habit, allowing the Instagram captions to count as a skeletal substitute... It's not enough, and I think I've lost something. And while my social-emotional needs have been vastly cared-for via Marco Polo-- it has absolutely been a stand-in talk therapy for me for the last few years-- I think I lean on it more for processing, and again, I think something is lost when I don't sit with things alone, inside myself, and write it out. I want to sit and write more. 

I might be ready, finally, to lean back into my business. To work on a website. To increase my offerings AND my pricing. To blog my clients in a regular way to boost my online presence. To run a giveaway. To create and USE contracts and auto-reminders and schedulers. I have been vastly reluctant to do any of this for YEARS now. Maybe I'm ready finally. 

I have been okay. So so okay. Learning about rest and release and self-acceptance for the last few years. Watching myself NOT reach, not strive... But also not need to. Letting some things go and then being okay with that. There has been growth here, even when it feels like nothing much is happening. 

And as always, there has been observation and appreciation. I think those are two of my greatest gifts. Even without ambition and worldly success, I can sit in most moments and observe and appreciate. And that is a beautiful thing... and no small thing. 

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So anyway. That's me, July 2022, on a late Tuesday night. More to come in the coming weeks, maybe.