One week since the start of December. One week since we've been back from our whirlwind trip to Washington D.C. Multiple weeks since our household has been well.  Sickness upon sickness, mostly of the garden-variety where it's not dire or emergent, but definitely disruptive to the daily routine. Weeks of to-dos piling up-- from work, from holidays, from celebrations, from everyday expectations. Piling up, but growing too fast for this sick girl to chip away at the pile with any kind of result. It's draining. It's discouraging. I'm tired. I'm so off-center it's not even funny. I want to cry. doesn't help that I had an extra-long bout of PMS this time. Just the Daylight Savings shift and then the harried, hustled, mad mad mad pace of November-into-December and the gloomy, early dark, and the too-much-to-do, never-enough-money, never-enough-time....

It's been a rough start to December, to say the least. With all that other stuff starting it off, it has just been COMPOUNDED by this relentless lack of health in the house. It's hard to feel jolly when someone is coughing and someone else is crying and everyone's nerves are fraying. 

It's classic burnout, folks, and everyone in this house is feeling some form of it-- even the littlest guy, who is fussier than usual... probably from his too-frequent wakings from coughs, and his constantly running nose and light feverishness. 

We need a break, ya'll. 

I need SOMETHING. 

So. 

I've been sleeping in the guest room. This is a novelty. I am doing it to distance myself from Joe's snarfly snuffling. I am doing it to protect him from my back-sleep snoring and my tossing. I am doing it to be close to the kids as they wake, multiple times a night, since my couch-back-sleeping kept me too far to help them and help Joe. 

And since starting to sleep there, there's been this really interesting shift in myself. See, last year, my Christmas gift from Joe was 24 hours in a nice hotel here in town, all alone. Just me. My only Christmas wish. It was HEAVEN. I napped. I watched HGTV. I napped again. I grabbed some greasy food and brought it back to eat in bed. I went to bed when I was sleepy and woke when I was refreshed. I dashed out to catch a movie. I felt..... PEACE. 

And this would be my only Christmas wish this year, too-- a reprise--- except I just don't think we can spare the money. It's pretty silly, when you think of it, to spend $100+ on a bed in the same town as your regular bed... just to be alone. So maybe next year. Maybe I'll save up, and ask Joe to take a day off for me again.

But meanwhile, there's this guest room that has been in our house the whole time. When I was setting it up, my ultimate goal was to create a peaceful space. I went with all white bedding. Kept the all-white walls. Kept the tchotchkes to a minimum. Made it feel clean and serene. And not ONCE did I think about sleeping myself in that room. But here we are, just this past week. And I am finding that when  I retire to that room, for a nap while the kids nap, or at night when the whole house is asleep, I can pretend it's a hotel room. White, fresh bedding. Extra pillows. Unfamiliar (for the most part) room. Quiet. Different. Peaceful. And I love it. 

I mean, I'm not going to sleep there forever. I miss Joe. And someday soon, fingers crossed, he won't be a snuffly sleeper, and I won't need to be on my back (my neck flared up again, and back sleeping is the only thing that helps it immediately). And we can be cozy in our own bed together again.

But for now, I'm finding an unexpected solace in my "hotel room" in my own house, and I'm slowly coming out of the malaise and ennui of the last few weeks. Managing small moves towards the December I planned on having. I feel, for the first time in days, optimistic about these coming weeks. It helps that I finally took myself (and Lucy) to the doctor and got some validation and medication. That feels hopeful,  too. 

So. In light of this small bit of peace I'm clutching onto, I took a minute to read some of my favorite inspirational essays, from Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, because I remembered she writes about being under the weather, and about burnout... And I read those ones, too, but this one, copied below, was the one I needed today, to round out my corner-turning. 

I hope if any of you are feeling any kind of despondence, hopelessness, unsettlement, worry, or just discomfort, that these words can help you a little like they do for me. If nothing else, to remind you you're not alone. And all shall be well. It WILL.

*

 

"Rx For Harried Hearts and Frazzled Minds"

by Sarah Ban Breathnach,. Simple Abundance, November 26

      "Some nights waves of weariness beat against out brains, crash against our hearts, wash over our bodies, threatening to erode our best defenses like sand dunes upon the shore. The water is cold, dark, and deep....Nothing seems to hold back the tide. We need someone to throw us a line, to rescue us from drowning in disappointment. 

      When these nights come and I find I'm stranded alone on the beach of faltering belief, I have found refuge in a very centering and comforting prayer by Dame Julian of Norwich, a thirteenth-century English mystic: 

All shall be well, 

And all shall be well, 

And all manner of things shall be well. 

      This simple affirmation of faith is especially comforting because it seems to console the dark submerged sadnesses of the inexplicable, the unexpressed, the unresolved, the unfair and the undeniable that stalk my soul after I close my eyes. I'll say the prayer over and over again softly, under my breath like a mantra, not trying to understand the meaning of the words because I can't. Some mysteries are beyond our comprehension. Some mysteries we will never solve. Never know. 

      So instead of trying to make sense of it all, I'll simply let the Spirit of the words soothe my frazzled mind and harried heart until sleep comes. Sometimes we can't make sense of it. Sometimes none of it makes sense. Sometimes it just is. But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another day, all shall be well, even if it's different from what we had expected. Even if it's different from what we had hoped for and believed with all out hearts would happen. 

All shall be well, 

And all shall be well, 

And all manner of things shall be well."

 *

 (Photo of our tree from last night. Somehow, even in the middle of a hard hard week, we managed this. And I am very proud of that fact. The tree is another reason for my newfound hope.)

Lucy- 14 Months Old/Reporting Back From Last Week

 

 Lucy, 14 Months Old:

My sweet girl is 14 months old today. She is the absolute sunshine of our whole family. At 14 months old, she-

* is not walking, but is a very fast and proficient crawler who loves to cruise the L-shape of the couch and try to climb the first three steps of our stairs. 

* Lucy LOVES to sing.  She does a very exaggerated curled tongue as she says, "La la la!" in imitation of my singing "la la la" to her. She also has mastered the "EIEIO" of Old MacDonald, except she says, "AYE-ee-AYE-ee-AYE!" right in time with the song. She is loud! 

* Lucy loves her Bunny Bunny, but has also adopted two mooshy bunnies I made for her and tucked into her crib. She clutches the trio of bunnies to her when she sleeps, and calls all bunnies "DA DA!". Don't tell Joe she's not really saying HIS name. :)

* She says, "Hi-eee!" to everyone she meets. A lyrical, expressive hello that gets a lot of attention and almost always compels the stranger to say hi back to her. After which she'll say "Hi-eee!" again. They respond again. Repeat 5 more times. Without fail. She is a total FLIRT. 

* Whenever she hears a beep-- either from my cell phone alerts or from a car honking or a construction vehicle beeping, she perks up and says a staccato, "Det!", her own version of a beep noise.  She adores doing this. 

* Lucy is definitely in the pre-verbal stage where if she wants something, she stretches and reaches for it with a terribly obnoxious whine. I cannot WAIT til this habit is kicked. 

* She totally has rhythm. She will bop her head or flap her arms or otherwise dance to almost any song that comes on the radio with a good beat. She loves LOVES music. We even have a few songs that she goes NUTS for, looking over to Noah for affirmation that he is also dancing hard, then letting loose and dancing like crazy with a huge grin on her face. It is nearly my absolute favorite part of the day with her. 

* Lucy loves water--- the hose, the swimming pool, the bath, a squirt bottle... you name it, she wants near it. 

* Lucy loves cheese, applesauce, ice cream, blackberries, strawberries, watermelon, peas, green beans, lunch meat, and anything we are eating that she can't have. 

* She's starting to fit 12-month clothing, but is still a small little thing. The part of her that has been growing the most has been her hair. I am totally in love with her wispy blonde curls. 

* The photo above is from this evening... Joe helped me take Lucy out to get a few photos with the basket of citrus I'd gathered for a client session last week. I knew I'd love the results of my blonde sweetie in the same setup, and she did not disappoint. Daddy was the perfect clown behind me, getting her to laugh and smile for my camera. She was perfectly content to stay in the basket and be cute, so she made me a very happy mama and photographer.  We'll see how much longer I get to con her to be good for photos. We're close to the era of "running away from the lens", I know. 

* I am so enamoured with my Lucy Lu--- It boggles me how much I can delight in the tiniest moments and physical details of this baby of mine. And not just her, but my sweet Noah, too. Our capacity as human beings to love amazes me, and is never more apparent than when I am in the role of mother. I am so in love with my children. 

*

Thank you, sweet friends (and some VERY sweet strangers) for your positive comments and thoughts and advice last week. It meant so much to me to  be reminded that we're all in this struggle in one way or another, and we are all getting better, even if we take a few steps back now and then. I should've come back to report sooner, but honestly, the VERY next day was a vast improvement for me. I woke up the morning after writing that post and remembered my feelings of the night before... and from that moment, I vowed to practice mindfulness that day. If nothing else changed, I wanted to at least get back into being mindful and purposeful with all of my decisions. To be honest, not much outwardly changed. We still went on an outing that day-- got out of the house instead of practicing contentment in our own home-- but for the first time in weeks, I made that decision with awareness and purpose and I knew WHY I was doing it instead of just doing it. 

And I reveled more in the simple things again. 

And I just felt...... back on the right path. Not necessarily at my destination (established good habits, slower pace, balance, etc.)... But on the right path. Back on track. 

So thank you. I truly feel that receiving encouragement from you guys helped keep me aware for most of this past week. 

It's an ever-constant work in progress, this life of mine. But I'm handling it much better, thank you very much. For now, at least. 

Meanwhile, I get to be tested a bit in my ability to stay flexible and keep hold of my goals even when life throws a few curveballs. Tomorrow, instead of getting one more slow day with just my Lucy-Lu while Noah spends his last day on his trip to my parents' house, I get to have him home a day early, but still only get one or two hours with him before taking my small packed bag and heading on a very sudden, very last minute road trip to Utah with my parents and 3 sisters for my grandmother's funeral. I'll be leaving my two kiddos and my husband behind for this quick trip, and I'm already missing them before even leaving. 

I'm surprised that I'm not desperately sad at the loss of my grandmother. I can't feel anything but joy for her, to be completely honest. The last year and longer, she's been trapped in the body of a frail stroke-victim, and she's not been able to be her truest self for a long long time. I feel peace in my faith that she continues on in a better place-- that she is reunited with loved ones and is back to her best physical self once again. I KNOW I will see her again, and until then, I am thrilled she is free and joyful. I am grateful for the opportunity (though peppered with stresses) to go to her funeral and to celebrate her with my extended family. This is a good thing. It is worth the last-minute worry about babysitters and meal arrangements and other things suddenly at the top of my to-do list before I leave tomorrow. 

So. 

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. 

It is good. 

Merry Christmas Eve, All!

So, many of you are (hopefully) stepping AWAY from the computer and stepping TOWARDS your loved ones and an evening of traditions, music, joy, and peace. This is Christmas Eve, after all!

I am actually a bit alone at the moment-- Joe is at work, doing a 3-11pm shift at the hospital that he couldn't get out of, and Noah is working on taking a nap. So as the sun slants into my bedroom, the first sun we've seen in a few days, I get to sit and listen to Christmas music on LOW while I finish up a few loose ends online.

Our little family will be having a quiet Christmas Eve and morning, just the three of us. When Joe gets off work, I'll have some nibbles and hot cocoa waiting for him and I plan to snuggle on the couch with him and read the Christmas story out of the Bible... then snuggle down for a long winter's night... And in the morning, we'll have a small, delightful present session, some German pancakes (Joe's family tradition), and then after Noah's morning nap, we'll head out to Columbia for a few days.

So far, it is shaping up to be a completely marvelous Christmas.

Tonight, while I am still alone, I get to try something I've wanted to do since first reading about it in "Simple Abundance" over seven years ago.... a little token, a small action that has always called to me, but I have managed to excuse myself out of every single year. Until tonight. Being alone, being on the edge of a hard area of the city, working to find the TRUTH in Christmas, I am going to prepare and set out a "Nativity Tray".

""Legend has it that on the night of the Nativity, whosoever ventures out into great snows bearing a succulent bone for a lost and lamenting hound, a wisp of hay for a shivering horse, a warm cloak for a stranded wayfarer, a garland of bright berries for one who has worn chains, a dish of crumbs for all huddled birds who thought their song was dead, and sweetmeats for little children who peer from lonely windows --whosoever prepares this simple abundance tray --shall be proffered and returned gifts with such astonishment as will rival the hues of the peacock and harmonies of heaven..."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

I'll make my own modifications...."modernize" it a bit... But I will do it. And I won't be doing it for the "astonishing gifts". I need to take time tonight to "find" Christmas. And I am deeply excited for this little action. I hope it is found and well-received.

So. That is MY holiday.

Here is hoping YOURS is filled to the brim with joy.