Five days since we started prescription Zantac. Is she doing better? Well...... yes. BUT. I hesitate to even talk about it much-- I simply don't want to jinx our run of good behavior. Does she still cry? Absolutely. Am I merely feeling better because for most of the last 5 days there have been extra people around to help out? Maybe. Maybe she would have been good these days anyway. Maybe maybe maybe........ all I know is, it was the WORST it has been early last week, and now, a week later, is it markedly better. Not perfect. But better.

And that is all I'll say on that for now.

Meanwhile, who still have newborn photos of Lucy to share? THIS GIRL. Yikes!

My sister Beckie said that it was funny to see Lucy in real life right now, at age 2 months, because all you guys are seeing on the blog is NEWBORN Lucy. It's like she still seems so NEW... until you realize that I'm just behind, and you're seeing old photos now. Oops! I have some cute current ones of the girl. Maybe I'll post one of them tomorrow, to give you some context. 'Til then... let's give ya TWO of the "30 Days" project instead of one.

Day 22:

This was one of my favorite set-ups... A blanket I have loved since I pleaded for friends out-of-state to find me one. And the flower on the headband is the one from THIS tutorial post I wrote earlier this year. Combined, we get SUPREME CUTENESS.

And a wee little smile:

Hooray, Lucy for holding that pose for me!! It was the only time in 30 days I got you to do it, and I am THRILLED. :)

For fun, since she was still sleeping, I swapped to a flower from THIS tutorial, and snapped a few more. Here, with her little mouth hanging open (it would NOT close, as much as I tried!)

and here, just lounging in the basket...

I loved Day 22. And it was such a success that there were no "crying photos" at the end of the session! Wahoo!!

Day 23:

This became one of the "casual days", one where I just couldn't muster the energy to do a formal "set up" during Noah's naptime. I napped with Lucy instead. So when Joe got home from work and Noah was awake from naps, we just headed outside with Lucy's quilt and did a few quickies- not formal, not "pro"... just cute. And I got to show off the fabric from the back of her quilt, my current favorite fabric right now. (Love you, Amy Butler!).

And Noah actually ASKED to be in a few shots. Awesome!

And after Lucy had had enough, I dragged Noah off to shoot a few of just him... Because I love him, ya know?

The boy of many expressions:

(Love that one! Ha!)

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And that's all for today. 

More tomorrow? Maybe!

My Dad. My Joe. Papa Joe. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

1979.Washington DC. Dad is on "daddy duty" with Julina and I (ages 3 and 2), watching pigeons flap and fly.

He has ALWAYS been there for us. Always. I love you, Dad. Thank you!

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2011. MoBap Hospital L&D Room. Joe's first photo as a dad to two. (FreshArt Photography)

He continues to boggle my mind as to his ability to be such a good daddy and husband. Joe, you are my HERO. I love you!

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1973ish. He is in high school, preparing for a role in Oliver!. He has a future as a daddy to four kiddos.

Papa Joe, you have raised an amazing son that I now get to share my life with. You are the best kind of grandpa to my babies. Thank you for your devotion.

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It's been the best kind of Father's Day. I got to see my dad yesterday, and Joe's dad is in town all weekend. I gave a talk in church and the men got brownies from the ward. Noah helped draw a completely charming family photo of his family. Everyone in the house got naps. And Joe prepared an AMAZING North Carolina barbecue dinner (corn fritters, cole slaw, root beer, banana pudding with 'nilla wafers) for us--- an homage to his dad and his grandpa. 

And I slathered green paint onto both my kiddos' hands to make a Father's Day giftie for the grandpas. Messy. Funny. Awkward. 

Perfect. All of it!

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ETA:

{Thank you, sweet friends and blog reader folks, for the incredible show of love and support and empathy for my last blog post. It is amazing to me that when we tell the truth, and when we show the good AND the bad in our lives, we ALL grow from it. I am so grateful for the many many many comments I've gotten-- they have lifted me up more than you can ever know. 

Lucy is doing better. I dare not say  it too loudly. Might it be just a "good few days?" Might it be that Zantac?? Or might she have already been on track to turn the corner? Will we ever know? Will she get "bad" again? I don't know. Who knows?? But for now, I whisper, "thank you. Thank you, Lucy, for more smiles and less crying. Thank you for a bit of a break."

And we'll keep waiting and watching and loving the good, the bad AND the ugly.

Thank you again, all of you.}

A Difficult Truth (And Day 21)

It's been a week since I blogged last. A long.... long...... long..........long week. Seems appropriate, then, that Day 21, the next photo in line, is this one:

Day 21, back in early May. She had been excruciatingly difficult ALL day. By the time it was photo time, she had actually given  in to sleep, and I thought the photo I'd been planning might work. I got Joe ready to assist with his hands as props, and we almost got everything lined up. And then she broke wide open again, bawling. Frustrated, both from the failed photo attempt and from the day-long exhaustion of dealing with her crying, I said, "Fine. Let's just shoot THIS. This is how she was today anyway. Day 21 is THIS." And I shot four or five frames of that crying, and was done. The end.

Because THAT was Lucy, that day.

See the tear squeezing out of her right eye? SO sad. Seriously.

The truth is, as lovely as Lucy is in her photos... as sweet as she looks when  she sleeps, she is NOT an easy baby. Want evidence? Want to see the OTHER photos from my Lucy Days that I haven't shown here yet?

Warning-- these might break your heart:

It devastates me to admit it... breaks my heart to face it... And took me SEVEN weeks to finally confront the truth--- but here it is: my beautiful baby is one of THOSE babies. A colicky baby.

I have a colicky baby.

Why is that so hard to confront? To admit? To face?

We all want our babies to be the pinnacle of perfection: Nurse like a champ. Sleep through the night. Contentedly coo in a bouncy chair. Self-soothe. Charm everyone they come in contact with. The ultimate Angel Baby.

When  things turn out differently, there's this grieving period, I think. Mourning the baby you THOUGHT you might get and coming to peace with the baby you have. Pretty as she is, as much as I cherish her, I have been working through those less-charming reactions and emotions. The things we NEVER want to admit in public:

I LOVE my baby.... but I'm not sure I LIKE her much right now.

I wish being a mother of two was still a dreamy "someday" and not a difficult NOW.

These aren't pretty feelings. It puts knots in my stomach to confess them, and I am daily struggling to reconcile them and get through to the other side.

I'm pretty hard on myself these days... I feel selfish. I feel a little nuts. I feel frustrated. I feel disappointed. Surprisingly, what I don't feel is alone. As I've been letting the truth of Lucy's temperament be known, I've found that there is an incredible network of mamas out there ready to lend instant love and support to me-- ready to lift me up with emails, notes, cards, calls... Incredible sympathy. Stories of their own struggles with tough babies. Encouragement. Advice. Tips. Ideas. I have felt so humbled to be loved by these women in spite of my not-so-pretty feelings. These women have helped me get out of the fog of new-mom-crying-baby despair a little... to see the light at the end and to keep pushing to get there. Ladies, if you're reading this, you know who you are. You are saving me, daily.

I feel it is important to reassure anyone who might not get to talk to me one-on-one these days that I am doing okay with regards to post-partum depression and such. My frustrations and anxieties are direct responses to the stress of the nonstop crying in my home. I've been reassured by my OB and nurses that for now, this isn't PPD.

What it is, is a sweet baby that is high-maintenance and VERY needy. Very particular in what works to calm her, to get her to sleep, to keep her asleep. There is a LOT of crying. Intense crying. We're lucky that she's not the WORST colicky baby ever--- we do get some good days, and good half-days. But when it's bad, it's exhausting, and frays the nerves of everyone in the house.

(Want  a 30-second visit into what I'm talking about? Watch at your own risk. And turn the volume down a little. This is Lucy from just two hours ago:)

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I don't know... I could write about it all day... hash through what makes it "colic", describe why I think it might be silent reflux, go into the details of how she seems to KNOW when I am not using both my hands to soothe her, and immediately wails until I give both hands back to her. I could talk about pros and cons of the ideas many of you are thinking of suggesting. Most of what you'll try to tell me, I have already heard in the last 7 weeks, and have tried. Not that I don't appreciate advice and theories... I've just been dealing with this for so long already that most of the conversations have been had. Books? Read 'em. Slings? I use three different styles regularly. Swaddles? She lives in them for sleeping. Swing? Hates it. Baths? Hates them. White noise? LOVES the vacuum, is apathetic to most other types. Car rides? Nope. She screams til she sleeps. Gripe water? We give it to her. I think it's a placebo for ME more than anything. Mylicon? Seems to help her toot a bit more. We use it.  I just talked my pediatrician into giving me a trial prescription to Zantac, so we'll see if reflux is part of it or not.

The truth is, among all the tricks, ideas, stories, and everything, it's probably just going to take TIME. The cure of TIME.

So. For now... it's just good for my heart to get the story out. To confess that my baby isn't the Angel Baby we all hope for. To purge a bit of the guilt for feeling frustrated at my life right now. It's not pretty. Any of it. Her crying. My feelings. The mood in the house a lot of days. But. We're managing. My main goal is to seek out and create pockets of peace. Good moments. To remember to look upon her sweet sleeping face and let myself love every bit of her while she is quiet and still. I am trying to laugh a bit more. Let go a bit more. Find new ways to do things with one hand. Accept help. I am trying to pray more. I am trying to listen to what I am supposed to learn from all of this.

Much of the time, I am just coping. Getting from one moment to the next. But sometimes, there is grace. Sometimes we hit a sweet note of joy. Sometimes she is cooing and smiling and Noah is doting on her and Joe has a yummy dinner in the oven and I have managed to comb my hair that day...

Little things get us through. 

I don't want to lose this entire period of her life, when she is so perfectly tiny and lovely, to grief and stress. I am grateful for the photos I worked so hard to get in her first 30 days... So that when we emerge from this tough time, I have evidence of the good and not just memories of the bad. 

I want to remember her tiny blonde widow's peak hairline. 

I want to remember how every time she is done nursing and I sit her up to burp her, Noah runs over and excitedly says, "Hey Luce!" and tries to get her to smile at him. 

I want to remember how well Joe and I have been working as a team to manage this time in our lives.

I want to remember the incredible circle of support and the light and lifting up of all the prayers from loved ones and friends.

I want to remember her little fists. Her perfect little nose. Her tongue darting out like a snake. 

I want to remember how she slept in our arms ALL THE TIME (And love that we got that time with her instead of resenting that it took us away from other things.)

I want to remember the incredible joy I feel when she gives us 10 or 15 minutes of sweetness and contentedness.

I just..... just want to remember that this, even this, is beautiful.

So. That's all for now. Forgive the less-frequent blogging. They say this colic stuff peaks around now, and then gets better. I certainly hope that's true, because this week has been the hardest yet. I'll be back when I can... But until then, this baby wants BOTH my hands most of the day, and I'm gonna give them to her. She needs me. And I'm okay with that.

Day 7 and Day 20: Her Parents....

Day 7: 

Photos with dad... My two sweet loves. I love these images more than I can describe.

Day 20: 

Photos with me... Set up by me, shot by Joe. Lucy was kind of a stinker on Day 20, I'm not gonna lie. I may look serene in the photos, but it was a LOT of work to get a scant few final photos.

Mama and Dad, each loving on their Lucy. I'm so glad I made these happen in her first 30 days. They are already favorites of mine:

And a few more "casual" shots--- showcasing the REAL work of Day 20-- soothing the fussy baby:

Baby Clothing Cupcakes: Such a Great Gifty!!

Have you seen this insanely cute baby gift idea?? I was recently gifted with TWO of these brilliant boxes of goodies, and couldn't wait to share it here!

See, you start with a cupcake box....

And you buy some little baby onesies and pants, or a layette set, and you roll and manipulate them into the shape of a cupcake. You set your "cupcake" into a coffee filter liner or an actual Texas cupcake liner, then place in your box, and decorate and embellish as you see fit:

And then you put them in the box and it's like you're delivering a box of sweet cupcakes to your friend, except instead of adding inches to your friend's hips, you're giving them something completely USEFUL.

SO CUTE!!

My sweet friend Beth sent the "little sister" cuppie in the mail last week, and it reminded me that weeks ago I'd set aside the other box of "cupcakes", a gift from my other friend Melanie, to photograph and talk about the cleverness. 

So today, ready to dig in and actually unwrap those cute clothes, I finally photographed this amazing idea and am so delighted to share it with you guys! 

It's a relatively new cute concept... blogged by several crafty-type folks with tutorials to match, like these ones:

DIY Onesie Cupcakes: Saarah Ortega

You Tube Tutorial by CookingandCrafting

Some Cute Ones From Etsy: BabyLoveandKisses

It's a perfect gift, really. I mean, I AM obsessed with cupcakes, right?!! *swoon*  Thanks, Beth and Mel. I am so so so so happy you thought of me when you found this idea!!

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And let's talk about that quilt featured in the background above, shall we??? Since seeing a gorgeous newborn photo snapped by Jodie and Kim of FreshArt, HERE, I've realized how much I'm drawn to the look and vibe of vintage patchwork quilts and have ached to get my hands on a few-- not just for photo purposes, but also just to have in my home. I love how they make me feel! But anyone who shops for vintage quilts knows-- they are usually over a hundred dollars each, and I really just don't have a lot of expendable money like that... So most of the time, I look, but don't buy. But last year, browsing an antiques mall,  I found a brilliant one for an incredible price (used HERE, in our maternity session by FreshArt)... and the collecting began. And by "collecting", I mean, I had one. And after the Gypsy Caravan last week, I now have TWO. Isn't my new one a beauty?? Both were less than $60 each- both have some wear and tear that lowered their value-- but both are so pretty, and I am delighted with my two quilty treasures. I guess I can now officially call this a collection.

:)

Noah's Big Day at the Hospital

It's been a busy spring, mostly because of the new kid in town. Busy enough that I might have failed to mention that my other kiddo had been experiencing some eye problems since March.  We went to an initial appointment to get it looked at, and  after a couple of months of watching to see if it would improve, the opthamologist finally recommended surgery.

The issue is something called "strabismus", and involves one or both eyes crossing. If it is related to farsightedness, they can treat it with a patch and glasses. But in Noah's case, there is no vision issue--- it's muscular. So a patch and glasses would do nothing to help... And therefore, as much as it broke my heart, we scheduled the surgery. It is a simple procedure-- a "same day surgery" that truly doesn't have lingering pain for my kiddo. Still, to know I was sending my little one to an operating room to be put under anesthesia... to be cut into... It was a rough thing to get ready for.

So, my little man had this procedure done just this past Friday. Joe took work off, my mom and sister came to hang out with Lucy at home while we both went with Noah to the hospital.. And we tried to make it a grand adventure for all of us. I brought my camera and caught the days' events for our personal history.

Here, in photos, is Noah's Big Day at the Hospital:

We started with the usual-- the nurse checking his vitals. Noah is currently 41" high and 38 lbs.

He was in surprisingly great spirits most of the day. Here is a goofy face from him:

Our nurse was Micki, and she was WONDERFUL with Noah. He responded to her kindness so well, and was quite the charmer himself. Everything she explained to him and showed him elicited the most ridiculously cute reply from him, repeatedly:

"I like that!!"

Whether it was, "Noah, this is going to squeeze your muscle." or "Noah, this stethoscope will listen to your heart.", he chirped happily in response, "I LIKE that!"

He basically won everyone over with his charm and happy mood.

Then it was time for his "special fish pajamas." He kind of wanted to stay in his street clothes--- I think the change of clothes made it feel a bit more scary to him...

But the gripper footie socks got him smiling again.

I love these three shots, taken in a row-- they show how his mood would dip, but go right back to cheerful-- this whole experience was like that for him. (And notice the middle pic-- it shows a bit of the eye thing that is the reason for the surgery. See the left eye cross a bit?)

His hospital bracelet... ("I LIKE that!")

The surgeon (Dr. Greg Lueder, opthamologist- AWESOME) came in to talk to us about everything. (Noah looks a bit nervous again...)

And we were told that Noah could bring Mai into the operating room with him. HOORAY! So Mai got a name bracelet of his own... but it made a better collar for him.

Micki then gave him the liquid sedative he'd get to help him zone out prior to the anesthesia. before drinking it:

"I LIKE it!"

After drinking it:

"Ew.EW!! That's yucky! I don't like it!!"

He got a bit of Sprite to wash it down.

Then it was time to walk him to the operating room doors. This part was the hardest for all of us.

Because he had to go somewhere we couldn't follow. My little guy...

The procedure took about an hour total, including the small time in recovery he spent still knocked out. We played on our iTouches and had a snack... mostly, we just waited. 

When he came back to us, they darkened the room for his comfort. He was groggy, but awake. He never cried, never whined... He was just mellow and a bit out of it--- asking questions over and over, like what was the clicking noise? (It was the I.V. he was still hooked up to, administering doses of fluids). What was the nurse's name? ("Micki! Remember?" "I LIKE your name!")

And he talked about having "crumbs in his eyes"--- his own little description of how it must have felt to have the irritated eye socket with the teeny cuts and stitches in it. We all encouraged him to not touch the eye, and to use a cold washcloth instead. He got a grape Popsicle to nibble on.

He was also fascinated by the mess of stuff on his left hand-- the board and tape anchoring (and hiding) his i.v. needle.

How sweet is my baby boy?

Loving being in control of "his" TV:

We spent a good stretch in our recovery room, fawning over our baby, laughing at his cute questions and exclamations, and monitoring his reaction to the anesthesia (watching for nausea, perhaps an emotional jag, etc.)... But he continued to be simply AWESOME at this whole thing--- as easygoing as he was prior to the surgery, he was just as fast to recover and was a model patient. Before long, he had earned the right to get up and walk with Micki the nurse to the "Treasure Chest" to pick out a prize for being such a good patient. As she was taking his i.v. out and getting him up to go walk, he said, "Micki, I love you."

All of us melted into puddles. he tels US he loves us, of course... But this was the first time I'd seen him spontaneously volunteer the sweetness to someone outside of his family. She was visibly moved, too. Such a tender moment!

See him holding her hand? They were buddies, for sure.

He picked out a Hot Wheels fire truck, and was given a pair of radical star sunglasses to help protect his eyes. he took his prizes and shuffled back to our room.

And after getting dressed and getting his things together, we made sure he got a photo with his sweet Micki.

Then he donned his radical sunglasses. Ha!

As we left, about 4 hours after arriving, we enjoyed the features of the fabulous Children's Hospital at Barnes Jewish... Including some fabulous aquariums, great art, and even a fully electronic miniature train set that was installed in the ceiling of the lobby. (The boys enjoyed watching it for a while!)

Since our kiddo hadn't eaten since the night before and seemed to not have any tummy issues from the medicine, we treated him to Fitz's for lunch so we could dote on him just a bit longer before getting back to the little sister waiting for him at home. 

Our cute little guy was clearly feeling great and ready to eat-- he cleaned his plate!

And so.... We survived! Noah proved to be just about the coolest patient ever, and we both crossed through a new parenting portal-- the one where you have to let you kiddo go through scary stuff without you--- and we survived. All of us. And rewarded ourselves with cream soda floats at the end. 

:)

Lucy's 19th Day

I would have loved to do a few more outdoor shoots with this little one... With ANY newborn, really. I have some fun ideas. But April was a little iffy, weather-wise, and I often photographed Lucy during Noah's nap and without any assistance from Joe or anyone, so even if I DID bring Noah along, it would have been tough to get out on location with a bunch of props.

So. This one is really the only "formal" setup that takes place outside. In a few future shots, you'll see we were outside, but they were "snapshot days", nothing too special or "pro"... 

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A "10" List: Ten Daily Moments I Live For These Days

1. Any lounging time outside, relaxing with baby while Noah plays

2. The moment Joe gets home from work

3. Singing/prayers with Noah, just he and I

4. When I'm rocking Lucy and I see her eyes drift closed

5. The short pockets of "cute awake" Lucy gives me

6. Crawling into my bed at the end of the day, not on baby duty, knowing I get to sleep for around 3 hours in one chunk.

7. When the mail comes-- if something fun is in it. 

8. Sitting with Joe (and baby) at the end of the day and unwinding with a TV show or part of a movie.

9. Any time I am guiltlessly able to type with two hands (like right now)

10. Hot showers

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My friend Molly and I were reflecting on these insane, kinda rough early days of having a new baby, and while she and I were able to recall many of the "war stories" and such, there were many "everyday moments" that slip through the cracks as times goes on. So I want to jot down some "NOW" moments here and there so that when the details are long gone, the words are still here for me to read and remember. I'd like to write "Our Usual Day" posts now and again, like I did once or twice in the past... (no time now to go hunt them down. I might add a link later)... So that's a goal of mine. 

That's all. Baby's  cryin' and Joe's been handling it. My turn, now.